Living in the Noise (Over at Ignitum Today)

This post was originally published at Ignitum Today

Recently, I went to a Sunday night baseball game to cheer on my beloved Washington Nationals. When the Nats play on Sundays, the local parish offers an extra Mass for baseball fans coming to the game, affectionately called #NatsMass. Not only is it the perfect way to attend Mass right before the game – still making it to the park in time for opening pitch – but the Nats also have a pretty stellar winning record on #NatsMass Sundays, which I think we can all agree is clearly not a coincidence.

@dcsportsbog #nats now 14-1 after #natsmass, perfect in over a year and 8-0 since you wrote us up http://t.co/cno7bH5NrR

— Fr. Drew Royals (@DrewRoyals) July 6, 2015

This particular Sunday, it just so happened that the Gospel reading and homily were very appropriate for attending Mass in a small parish in the middle of the hustle and bustle of a major city with major game day traffic.

In the Gospel, Mark tells of Jesus coming to His hometown to teach in the synagogue, and the not-so-warm welcome He receives. Jesus was in the world where He grew up, but the people refused to listen to and believe Him.

The priest talked about how Jesus was not afraid to go out into the world to spread the good news, even to His hometown. Christ did not water down the truth for anyone, even His own people. His kingdom was not of this world, but yet He still walked and lived in this world, even if that world did not accept Him.

Throughout the entire Mass, the noise of the world heading to the baseball game permeated through the church doors. Cars honking, sirens blaring, whistles blowing, people yelling. The world outside this quiet little parish delivered a constant stream of noise; a world that was completely oblivious to the miracle of the Mass that was happening right in its midst.

I couldn’t help but take the reading and homily to heart as the noise continued to stream into the church. We live in a world that refuses to listen to Christ, and refuses to believe in Him – even when He is right in their midst.

The parish sitting in the middle of the busy-ness of the city is a metaphor for Jesus teaching in His own hometown. How many people notice this stone church as they walk or drive past on their way to the game; how many stop to think about the presence of Christ in the tabernacle within their reach? I’m sure that the answer is “very few”, and of those few that do notice the church on the corner, even fewer actually soak up what it means to live in this world as followers of Christ. It is so easy to get lost in the noise of this world, and so easy to miss the presence of Christ right in front of us.

There is a lot of noise that surrounds us as Christians. We are not called to live in a Christian bubble; we are called to live in this world, as noisy as it may be. Even more, like Christ, we are called to preach the Gospel and speak the Truth, even if we are ignored or shunned.

As the Host was raised during the Consecration, the noise outside continued to pour in and I thought to myself, “All of those people outside don’t realize what they are missing out on in here.” And so, this is our mission as Catholics – to help bring Christ to all those who live in that noisy world outside.

Be a Window - Over at Ignitum Today!

I am so excited to be working now with Ignitum Today! I will be editing posts as well as writing some posts of my very own from time to time. Please head on over to my very first post over there, and give me some love! Here's a little sneak peak...

Have you ever met someone who just seems to radiate Christ with every fiber of his or her being; where you can just see their love for God reflecting from their bodies? It's a sort of aura, a glow, that just emanates out and has the profound power to draw people in. It's a joy that is shown in a wide smile, loud laughter, a twinkle in the eye, a warm hug, finding happiness on even the darkest of days.

This kind of love is so much more than glorifying God with your body. As St. Paul wrote, this kind of love is glorifying God in your body (1 Cor 6:20)...

Read more at Ignitum Today...

Westminster Cathedral, London, England

Why did they leave?

This post is for all the non-Catholic Christians (if there are any that actually read my blog).

I have one question that I am truly curious to find an answer (or two or three!), and the question is this:

Why did they leave?

I am, of course, talking about in John 6 after the Bread of Life Discourse:

As a result of this, many his disciples returned to their former way of life and no longer accompanied him. (John 6:66)

As I learned more about my Catholic faith a few years ago, I constantly meditated on this passage, until it clicked with me why they left - and since then, I've never been able to waver from (even when I've thought I wanted to!) the beautiful teaching on the Real Presence.

The Jews quarreled among themselves, saying, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” Jesus said to them, “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I have life because of the Father, so also the one who feeds on me will have life because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven. Unlike your ancestors who ate and still died, whoever eats this bread will live forever.” (John 6:52-58)

So I am truly curious. I really do want to know how non-Catholic Christians read this passage of Scripture and interpret this situation where many of Christ's disciples completely abandoned him. Why did they choose to leave right then?

Catholics can feel free to chime in with your thoughts - especially if you didn't always believe in the Real Presence - but I'd love to hear a lot of insight from non-Catholics too.

I am looking for an open, honest, and respectful discussion, so please be kind to each other. :)

The Beholder (Guest Post for Christina)

Christina at Reflections of a Catholic in Formation is hosting a series entitled You are Beautiful for the month of June. Here is an excerpt from my contribution - head on over to her blog to read the rest and check out the other great posts!

~*~

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

When I first heard this saying as a child, I thought that it meant that beauty was relative.  You know, how some people think the sunrise is one of the most beautiful things in the world, whereas I hold the belief that something that happens that early in the morning can only have so much beauty.

Other things that aren't too beautiful in the morning include my unkempt hair and sleepy eyes.

The trap we fall into with relativism though is that it leads us to believe that lies are the truth - yes, even with beauty! I can't count the number of times I've heard over the years, "You look pretty!" or "That dress looks beautiful on you!" but I can tell you that there have only been a few times I've heard the words we all long to hear: "You are beautiful." 

Yet, when I started thinking about the theme for this post and the above adage popped into my head, another thought came to light that made it all start to make sense in a way I'd never realized before.  What was the thought that entered my mind with this saying, you ask?

What if I think of God as The Beholder?

Beauty is in the eye of The Beholder.

It doesn't change much, but it changes everything.

Read the rest here...

The Desert

Unless you gave up cake for Lent...
then you can't come to the party.

The start of the Lenten season marks the one year* anniversary of my spiritual dry spell.


*Church year, not calendar year.


To commemorate this momentous occasion, I'm going to have an anniversary party. You're all invited!

Kidding.

Unfortunately, I'm not quite to the partying part yet. I have gotten to the point where I've accepted this dry spell - whatever it means - but I haven't gotten to the point of rejoicing. Maybe someday I will go all St. Paul and learn how to rejoice in my suffering (2 Cor 12:10, Rom 5:3, Col 1:24, etc.), but until then, I'll have to save my cake-eating and happy-dancing for other occasions.

I suppose it is fitting that my dry spell began with Lent last year. I entered the desert with Christ, but for reasons known only to God, I didn't experience the joyous resurrection of coming out of the spiritual desert when Easter rolled around. While there have been brief periods of spiritual enlightenment, joy, and revelation, I haven't been able to leave that dry, arid desert for a year - at least, not yet.

Throughout the past year, I've had many people ask me what I mean by "spiritual dry spell" and to describe what it's like. This is not a question that offers an easy answer!

Jesus Ministered to by Angels, by James Tissot

Looking to Christ, we know a little about his 40 days in the desert. He ate nothing for 40 days, and when the days were over, he was hungry (that's the understatement of the year). We hear in this Sunday's Gospel that the angels ministered to him while he lived amongst the wild beasts.

Oh, and he was tempted by that pesky Devil. Over and over again. He was offered food, power, and riches - everything that someone in a weakened state could ever dream about - but Christ turned it all down.

While we have insight into what Jesus did in the desert through the Gospel accounts, we have no inkling of what his heart, mind, and soul were going through during that period in the spiritual wasteland.

Did he feel as if God had abandoned him?

Did he close his eyes to pray and see only darkness and emptiness?

Did his heart yearn for the closeness he once felt with the Father?

I don't have the answers as to what Christ went through. I think that perhaps he had to experience that in some way, since he was human in every way but sin. We all go through periods of spiritual dryness, and these times are even more noticeable when we go from an on-fire faith life to being thrown in the desert. Each person experiences this dryness in a different way.

I can say that for me, my dry spell is not necessarily characterized by feelings or temptations, but by the lack of something - anything - which makes it difficult to describe.

This picture lacks a presence.

When I close my eyes to pray, it's not that it is dark, as if the light has been turned off. It's as if it is entirely empty, like there was never a light there in the first place. Where I once felt God's presence guiding my prayers, I now do not sense any presence at all. It is like there is a void that was once full and over-flowing. Where I used to be able to sit in tranquil silence, waiting to listen to God, the silence is now more noted by a lack of thoughts than a peaceful presence. I used to desire to go to Mass every day - like a girl giddy with love - but I no longer have that intense longing to be in His presence. Where I used to find rest before, the past year has felt as if I've been carrying a heavy burden. No matter how much I try to sit at Christ's feet, I still feel as if I'm begging to be recognized. Most significantly, it doesn't feel as if I have been carrying a cross with Christ, but  all of this has felt as if I've been all alone.

In my heart, I know that God hasn't left me, and I know that I haven't been carrying this alone, but that doesn't make the sensation of feeling alone any less. I can read and reflect on the idea of suffering all I want, but that doesn't actually make the suffering go away. At the end of the day, I can accept it all while still wondering why I'm in this spiritual state, right here and right now.

I think one of the most significant things I have learned in this past year through a lot of reflection and even more spiritual direction is that God has a plan for all of this. He has led me to this dry spell - and kept me there -for reasons only known to Him. We even read in all of the Gospel accounts that it is the Holy Spirit that leads Jesus into the desert. Not the Devil. Not some shiny object. God Himself leads Christ into the desert. Scripture doesn't say why, but we know that there must be a good - and important - reason why God would not only allow this to happen, but also to actually lead His son into the dryness. If He had a reason for doing that for Christ, then He must have a reason for doing it for me, too.

All I know is that whatever is coming for me after all of this must be big. After all, Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert only to come out and begin his public ministry, proclaiming the Kingdom of God, and calling all sinners to repent and believe in the Gospel. (Mk 1:12-15) While I don't see myself busting out of this dry spell standing on street corners yelling at people to repent - it's not really my style - I have come to trust over the past year that there is something big in the works. Someday, I will hopefully look back at this time in my life and think, "That's what it all was for." Until then, I just have to keep praying - begging is the more correct term - and wait. Just as Christ came out of the desert, I will someday too, still walking along beside Him.

Be a Window

Reflection on the Epistle from the Second Sunday in Ordinary Time

This post was originally written for the Bright Maidens topic of "Honoring God with Our Bodies." Plans changed, but I still wanted to share since it relates to this past Sundays readings!

I've been wanting to get back to writing posts again, but I've been feeling a lack of inspiration lately when the time comes for me to sit down and write. As I was brainstorming this past week, I realized that I could go 15 different ways with the topic of "Honoring God with Our Bodies", which meant I would probably regale you all with another one of my novel-length posts, but I just didn't know where to start or where it would end up.

It was at Mass on Sunday when I finally felt like the thought faucet had been turned back on:

Brothers and sisters:
The body is not for immorality, but for the Lord,
and the Lord is for the body;
God raised the Lord and will also raise us by his power.
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ?
But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one Spirit with him.
Avoid immorality.
Every other sin a person commits is outside the body,
but the immoral person sins against his own body.
Do you not know that your body
is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you,
whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?
For you have been purchased at a price.
Therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Cor 6:13-15, 17-20)

I could write about modesty or chastity or pornography or many other things when it comes to honoring God with our bodies, but it wasn't any of these ideas that spoke to me while I listened at Mass. It was the last line of this reading especially, where St. Paul commands each of us to "glorify God in your body," that made me think more simply.

Some major son power. Heh, get it?

Have you ever met someone who just seems to radiate Christ with every fiber of his or her being? I've had the privilege of meeting and knowing quite a few people where you can just see their love for Christ reflecting from their bodies. Sure, these people dress modestly and live chaste lives, but glorifying God in your body is so much more than that. It's a sort of aura, a glow, that just emanates out and has the profound power to draw people in. It's a joy that is shown in a wide smile, loud laughter, a twinkle in the eye, a warm hug, finding happiness on even the darkest of days - not just honoring God with their bodies, but also glorifying Him in their bodies.

St. Paul asks, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you?" The phrase "temple of the Holy Spirit" is something that is thrown around a lot, but do we ever stop to think what it really and truly means? Our bodies carry the Holy Spirit to the world. This is not something to take lightly. If we are truly carrying Him in our bodies, we should always be radiating His joy, grace, and love to the point that we are blinding others by reflecting His light. To truly honor God, we need to allow our bodies to be windows and not doors. Be a temple of the Holy Spirit, and glorify God in your body by letting Him shine through.

Submit to Being Submissive

This past week at Bible study, we got a bit off topic - as usual - and the discussion led to that "infamous" passage in St. Paul's letter to the Ephesians:

Wives should be submissive* to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is submissive to Christ, so wives should be submissive to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church,  because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave [his] father and [his] mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:22-33)

*This word is translated differently depending on what translation you use, sometimes as "subordinate" or "subject". While these words are all synonyms, I am using "submissive" in this case because it is easier to see the point!

These words have a tendency to make feminists cry out in protest, and the average woman in the pew uneasily shift in her seat. People who hear this passage read at weddings start to squirm, thinking, What is this woman signing herself up to do?! Many priests just avoid preaching about this passage altogether, and some that I've heard mention it in passing just to reassure women that Paul doesn't actually mean that you have to submit to your husband, and they leave it at that.

I used to be one of those squirming pew-sitters. Love my husband? Sure. Make sacrifices for him? I can do that. But be submissive? That seems a bit extreme.

It was when I became more interested in learning more about my Catholic faith, encountering Theology of the Body and the role of the Church, that I realized that when Paul writes that "wives should be submissive to their husbands," he actually means it. Scripturally, this is not a unique concept:

• Wives should be submissive to their husbands, that the word of God may not be discredited. (Titus 2:5)
• Likewise you wives, be submissive to your husbands. (1 Peter 3:1)
• So once the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves and were submissive to their husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.(1 Peter 3:5)
• But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a woman is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Cor 11:3)
• Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Col 1:18)

However, Paul takes it to the next level and explains in Ephesians exactly what it means for a wife to be submissive to her husband.

The word "submissive" translates to "under the mission of", and so for a wife to be submissive to her husband means that she puts herself under the mission of her husband.

So what is this mission of the husband?

Paul explains that the mission of the husband is to love his wife, as Christ loves the Church. Loving her to the point of making a complete, total, and free gift of self for her good. Loving her by making whatever sacrifices are necessary so that she is made holier, to help her to get to Heaven. Loving her as he loves his own self, by nourishing her and cherishing her. Self-sacrificial love for his wife is the mission of the husband, and the wife is to be submissive to his love.

This kind of submissive? I can totally submit to that idea.

It is only when we take this passage of Scripture in context and "speak in reference to Christ and the church" that the idea of a wife being submissive to her husband doesn't sound so repulsive to the modern female. On the contrary, it sounds kind of perfect. Sign me up!

Since I learned Paul's meaning in this letter, I have had a few opportunities to share my excitement over this knowledge with others. This isn't a new interpretation, but one that seems to get passed over in Christian circles today. You could see the lights click on for others in the room when our priest explained this passage to our Bible study group. We even had a Protestant joining us this past week, and he remarked that he had never thought about the passage in that way, but found this interpretation enlightening and refreshing.

This is when it clicked for me - why I, and many others, never really encounter the true meaning of Paul's words. I was raised Catholic, but I hardly ever encountered the idea of the Church as the living Bride of Christ. While most Protestant denominations recognize "a church", they don't recognize the Church as Christ's beloved.

The Catholic Church: She's not just a building.

When we are not taught, forget, or completely lose the meaning of the role of the Church as Christ's wife, we are missing out. Protestant denominations are especially lacking, as it is difficult to fathom this passage in such a positive, loving light because they don't witness the Church as the mystical body of Christ. In order to not read this passage as a slight slap in the female face, you have to understand that Christ didn't just give a complete gift of himself to each of us as individuals, but instead to his Bride, the Church. This beloved Bride continues to live as the body of Christ today, continuing to openly receive Christ's total gift of love. The Church continues to submit herself to the mission of Christ, just as a wife should be submissive to her husband. In this light, this is the only way that Paul's words make sense. As members of the body of Christ, it should be our mission to submit our hearts to the mission of Christ, which is carried out each day in his Bride, the Catholic Church.

I have stilled my soul

Lord, my heart is not proud;
nor are my eyes haughty.
I do not busy myself with great matters,
with things too sublime for me.
Rather, I have stilled my soul,
Like a weaned child to its mother,
weaned is my soul.

Kissing the Face of God

Psalm 131 is a song of trust, giving all thoughts and worries of the world to God - like a child who quiets in the arms of its mother. It is the perfect bedtime prayer to still the soul, surrendering to sleep, imagining being held in the warm mantle of our Mother's embrace.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

Future me? Who knows!

I have always been frugal with my money. I have always tried to live within my means, only spending money that I actually have. I'm not even close to the level of extreme couponing (yet), but I hardly ever buy something that isn't on sale or if I don't have a coupon (and usually both!). I also like to take time to make larger financial decisions, so I will thoroughly research products before making a big purchase (and by "big" purchase, I'm talking more than $20... that's how frugal I can be).

I also am a big saver. I was raised in a household where a certain amount of any money I received, whether it was an allowance, a gift, or hard-earned money, was put into a special savings envelope. I eventually grew up into a savings account at the bank, but that's where I started. Thankfully, I saved enough money over the past few years that I could put a down payment on a house, buy a car, or put on a wedding - at least those are things I said I was saving up for.

This was all when I had a steady income, and could afford to be a bit frivolous with my money.

And then the time of no-job came about. Since my last substantial paycheck from graduate school, I've had to cut my costs enormously. I'm talking cutting my credit card bill in half - which is not an easy feat. Despite being frugal with my money, I do like to shop the sales. So I had to make some drastic changes. No shopping, unless I absolutely need something. No eating out, which I used to do multiple times a week (I'm a single gal, it's tough cooking for one!). Only travel somewhere when necessary, and combine my trips when I can in order to save on gasoline expenses.

And I was successful. I cut my credit card bill in half for three months.

And then I hurt my back again. Hello, crazy doctor bills.

And then my roommate decided to move out. Hello, doubling the rent.

Don't let him get your bank account number!

All that money I had been saving up for something great suddenly began to quickly vanish before my eyes. It's like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named broke into my Gringotts account to try to steal the Sorcerer's Stone!

So, I've been trying to budget even more. Thankfully, I have parents who help out where they can (hello, crazy doctor bills!), friends who feed me for free (even if it's free packages of cookies leftover from Girl Scout meetings), and a temporary position that is guaranteed for a couple of months. The pay for this job would be more than enough to get my through the coming months... if I didn't have these surprise additions I mentioned above added to my monthly expenses. Now, it basically covers my rent and internet bill, with a bit of spare change leftover for everything else.

So, I've started seeing dollar signs in terms of food and gasoline. Here's an example scenario:

Me: They withheld $35 in these taxes, when I filled out the tax exempt form...
Someone else: It's not a big deal, it's $35...

Me: $35? That's my food budget for a week! The cost of gasoline in the car for ten days! $35 means I either don't eat for a week, or I take even more money out of my secret Gringotts vault. $35 is a big deal!

My new best friend.

Yes, I have turned into that much of a money pincher. $35 has even been known to be the cause of mini-breakdowns. I feel like the long lost Weasley cousin amongst the Harry Potters of the world, staring longingly at the mound of chocolate frogs that the young Harry Potter just bought from the trolley lady with his sack-full of galleons.

Because of these empty pockets, it also means I am unable to tithe with regular financial contributions to the church and select charities. I have tried to find ways to tithe with my time, but this has also proven difficult. Not many people want volunteers who can commit for the next week or so, and then go from there. Since I don't know when and where I'll get a job, that's about as far in advance as I can plan, and so as much as I want to be able to commit, I can't make any long-term commitments. Right now, my tithing of time consists of baking delectable treats for my weekly Bible study, playing with the concert band at community events once a month or so, and being a good listener to a friend in need. But it's not enough - it doesn't feel like enough.

All of this has me feeling like I'm unable to make decisions to go this way or that and a bit useless - I feel like I'm stuck in this constant state of stagnantly waiting.

For a job.

For a new, innovative way to make money (No, MetroExpress, I will not go to the "dancer" auditions that will make me $500 a night...).

For a way to volunteer my time without being required to give a long-term commitment.

I do not mean to give off the impression that I am so poor that I am driven to searching the couch cushions for spare change and on the verge of living in a cardboard box. I have many blessings in my life, including a substantial amount in my savings account that could allow me to live very frivolously, if I chose to do so. However, being me, I am finding it difficult to balance continuing to plan for the future and meeting my needs of today. This Sunday's epistle speaks a bit of knowing both abundance and need:

I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need. I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me...My God will fully supply whatever you need, in accord with his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (Phillipians 4: 12-13, 19)

Sure, St. Paul. Your life was sooooo easy... at least, sometimes I feel like he leaves out a lot of details that really show how much of a struggle it can be. Did he just wake up each day completely trusting that God would provide for him, or did he struggle with it as we all tend to do? I'm not sure, but I wish I could better emulate St. Paul, who trusted God to care for all of his needs:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."  (Matthew 6:25-34)

Where are the wormies?!

Dependence on God is a constant theme throughout Scripture, but especially in the materialistic world in which we live today, it's not always easy to trust that God will care for our material needs. Sometimes, I feel like a sparrow flying around searching for worms, but the ground is too hard and rocky to find anything fulfilling.

It was about a year ago that I made the decision to switch from the PhD to the Master's program, thereby "leaving" graduate school by graduating this past May. I was scared. I had no idea what was in store for me, but I knew that I was not supposed to continue with school at this time in my life, and so I placed my complete trust in God, trusting that He would take care of me since I only sought to follow His lead.

Yet, every path I've felt like I've been led down since then has quickly and suddenly turned into nothing. I trust that all of these paths didn't work out because that's not where I am supposed to be, but I have to wonder why I am in this state of getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed away in a heartbeat. It's come to the point where I don't know where to go, because if all these previous paths have been wrong, then what (or whom) was I following?

I have not lost complete trust, because I still trust that in the long run, things will work out (as people constantly remind me). It just has been a long, uphill (both ways! in the snow! without my snow boots!) battle, and now that I've gotten to the point of becoming such a penny pincher that I worry what I'm going to do without $35, I'm not sure how much longer I can continue in whatever direction I am going. To say the least, wandering around feeling lost is a stressful burden to carry - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I just long to seek God and His will for me. I've been told that's all we need to say - Thy will be done - and maybe this all is His will. I just sometimes wish I knew what it meant, and where it will eventually lead.

Until then, I have to keep trying not to worry as much about tomorrow as I have been recently, but instead work to keep my heart constantly seeking Heaven. Since I trust that Christ always spoke the truth, I know that God has His eye on the sparrows in the sky as well as His eye on me.

The Message of Love

Readings for the 23rd Sunday in Ordinary Time

The readings this week are all about love.

Now, I can hear some of you thinking now. Uh, Liesl, did you read the first reading from Ezekiel? That doesn't sound so loving to me...

Before you get your breeches in a twist, I'm not talking about the sappy kind of love that pervades our culture today. I'm talking about real love, as in the "let us love one another, because love is of God" and "God is love" (1 John 4:7,16) kind of love.

It all comes down to how we define love, which we read more about in St. Paul's letter to the Romans. Many non-Catholics (and unfortunately, even some Catholics!) would cite this passage as evidence that we no longer have to follow the ten commandments given to Moses by God, in the saying that we "owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law." (Romans 13:8) Adultery? Coveting? It's okay if I do these things as long as I do them because of love.

Preach it!

Yet, what does Paul mean when he says to love one another? By whose standards should we love? My standards? Your standards? The standards followed by the president of the United States? No, we are commanded to love by God's standard. This means loving the entire person, where "love does no evil to the neighbor." (Romans 13:10)

Doing no evil to your neighbor means loving as God loves. It means following the commandments. Even more, it means trying your very best to do as the prophet Ezekiel teaches. How is this rather harsh sounding warning really talking about love? We as Catholics, and all Christians, have a challenge before us. This challenge is to distinguish between loving the person and loving sinful nature. I think many Catholic bloggers, especially in the past couple of weeks, would agree that loving a person is to teach them what it means to love as God loves. Unfortunately, sometimes this means being called "intolerant", a "bigot", and many other unmentionable names. This makes the challenge presented to us even more difficult, but as much as we hate to do it sometimes, we still have an obligation to warn those of the danger of sin, and offer the alternative of God's loving commandments. As Ezekiel says, "[If] you do not speak out to dissuade the wicked from his way, the wicked shall die for his guilt, but I will hold you responsible for his death." (Ezekiel 33:8)

Let me point that out again, if the boldface wasn't enough. "I will hold you responsible for his death." It is not enough to just live a good life for ourselves, we have to do all within our power to live a good life loving others as well.

This is not to say that we should go out on a vendetta against the world, calling out every sin we see in a hateful manner. We have to remember that we are in fact included among those sinners as well. We have to be sure to remove the logs and dust from our own eyes (Matthew 7:5) while also spreading God's love through teaching the Truth. This is one of the ways in which we can love our neighbor, to "warn the wicked, trying to turn him from his way" (Ezekiel 33:9), because not only shall we save ourselves, but we might help to save another soul in the process.

The verse with the Alleluia this week ties the first two readings and the Gospel into this theme of what it means to love: "God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation." To love another is to spread the message of reconciliation, the message of Christ. 

Where is this message to be found today? Where was it found yesterday? A week ago? A year ago? 2000 years ago? This message of love has always been and will always be found in the Church, the same Church that Jesus talks about with his disciples in Matthew 18. This church is the place to bring your sins and the sins of your brothers, to be held accountable for each other's faults, but to also seek reconciliation, forgiveness, and a renewal of God's love. 

This message spoken of in the gospel sounds more loving, but it is the same message as the one spoken of by Ezekiel, and it is the same kind of love that Paul means when he says to love your neighbor. As the preface to the Mass in the Magnificat states, "Our love must extend to those attitudes and actions that would prevent our neighbors from truly loving themselves and their own destiny." As difficult as it may be sometimes to present this message and Christian teachings with love, we must persevere, because to love your neighbor in this way is to share God, who is Love, with each person we meet.

Expectations

Readings for the 19th Sunday in Ordinary Time (from last Sunday!)

We as human beings tend to have a lot of expectations.

We expect to have the perfect childhood. To graduate from high school and go to college. To get a great job that pays a lot but doesn't expect too much from you. To get married and raise a family.

Sometimes, Prince Charming looks like Hugh Dancy!

I know that when I started college, I expected to meet my Prince Charming at school and be married by the ripe old age of 22... maybe 23. When I actually reached that ripe old age, I realized that not only was I in no way ready to be married, but that my plans from four years before were completely laughable!

But then again, it has been said that if you want to make God laugh, all you have to do is tell Him your plans.

I also expected to be able to easily find a job in my field after obtaining a graduate degree. We see how well that's turned out so far.

Again, ha ha. I can hear you having a good chuckle, God!

Itty, bitty living space!

We not only have expectations about how our lives will turn out, but how God will be a part of our lives. We have expectations of where to find God and what He will do for us. It's as if sometimes we expect to rub the magic lamp and have God grant us three wishes!

The readings this past Sunday allude to these expectations that we have about God. We first see Elijah from 1 Kings waiting for God as He passes by on a mountain. Elijah expects to hear God in the strong wind, the earthquake, and the fire that threaten to crush the mountain. We can only imagine Elijah's surprise when he doesn't find God in these manifestations of power, but instead hears God in the "tiny whispering sound." (1 Kings 19:12)

In the Gospel, we encounter Matthew's account of walking on water. Peter and the disciples are caught in a terrible storm, and they see Jesus walking towards them on the water. They are afraid, but Jesus cries out for them to take courage. Peter, in his usual boldness, asks Jesus to command him to come to him on the water, and he begins to walk towards Jesus with complete faith. Yet, when he sees how strong the wind blows, he starts to doubt, and as he sinks, he cries out to Jesus to save him. Jesus can only say, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31)

I'm sure the disciples were a bit shocked to see Jesus walking towards them on the water. They never expected to see something so extraordinary. In doing this, Jesus calls them to faith, or as Pope Benedict XVI has said, Christ shows them what happens when "something meets us that is greater than anything we can think of for ourselves."

"Jesus, save me!"

Peter expected the walk on water to be a breeze (compared to that gusty wind!) because he completely trusted in Christ. In an unfallen world, complete trust in God would be easy. However, Peter failed to account for his own human weaknesses, letting himself get in the way of fulfilling his expectations for that journey across the water.

I'm sure there were many thoughts running through his mind as he started to sink, but I can bet one of them was some sort of mental anguish with God: "But I did what you commanded, I trusted you and believed, I expected not to sink!" What Peter failed to see was that it wasn't his expectation in God that failed to deliver - it was his own failures that caused him to sink. When we, like Peter, place our complete trust in God, only to see how strong the wind is, we become frightened and falter. We like to place the blame on God, and how He failed to "rise" to our lofty expectations, when it is in fact our own pride and fear that stands in the way. Dom Lepori explains this much more eloquently than I ever could:

To the amazement of his friends, Peter climbed over the side of the boat. Before his feet even touched the water, he knew that it was really Jesus out there waiting for him... Jesus was not moving. Was he close? Was he far away? It was impossible to tell. It was as if the distance between him and the Lord varied according to the thoughts and feelings of his heart. And just when Simon started to feel proud of what he was doing, a gust of wind blew in between him and Jesus, and somehow in that moment he lost sight of the Master. Far from the boat, without Jesus in view, he suddenly found himself suspended above the restless lake. The only thing he could do was sink. And in fact, he felt himself plunge down, not only into the water, but also into the dark thoughts and doubts that had tormented him all night long. His anguish was complete: he realized that he was sinking not out of weakness but out of pride and that death would not seal his powerlessness but his rebellion.

There is nothing wrong with expecting God to take care of all of our needs, and trusting in His will. Yet, it is wrong to have the expectation that things will always go smoothly and according to (our own) plan. When we let these prideful expectations cloud our view, the distance between ourselves and Christ grows larger. Our hearts no longer purely seek him but instead are plagued with fear when things go awry, doubt in how things will turn out, and pride when our expectations give us a feeling of control.

This is something that I have been struggling with in my own life over the past few months. I had come to expect everything to start to fall into place, and when it didn't, I let my trust in God falter. As I've been slowly sinking into the abyss, I continue to ask God where He has been all this time, instead of evaluating my own actions.

The good news is that this gospel reading doesn't end with Peter drowning, but with Jesus reaching out his hand to save him from the crashing waves. All Peter had to do was ask for help, and he received Jesus' hand and forgiveness. Unfortunately, it's not always as easy as simply asking for God's help. We also have to combine this with trust in Him, a recognition of our own failures, and an acceptance of HIs expectations for us. Sometimes it isn't easy to see or hear God, but He can always be found in the tiniest whisper in the wind, with his hand reaching out to us from the darkness, begging us to come back home to His love.

Scripture Meme - My Three Favorite Verses

Trista tagged me in the "Three Favorite Scripture Verses" meme that has been floating around the Catholic blog world lately. Since I've been eagerly awaiting a tag for weeks, I was very excited (and then took about a month to get this post up, but who's keeping track of time?), so thank you Trista!

After my initial excitement, I then jumped to a feeling of "How on earth can I ever pick just three Scripture passages?"... I might have to do some more reflections on Scripture in the future because the Bible is SO GOOD.

1.

The Bread of Life Discourse - John 6:35-68

Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; he who comes to me shall not hunger, and he who believes in me shall never thirst... 

The Jews then murmured at him, because he said, "I am the bread which came down from heaven." They said, "Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How does he now say, 'I have come down from heaven'?" Jesus answered them, "Do not murmur among yourselves... I am the bread of life. Your fathers at the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread which comes down from heaven, that a man may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread which came down from heaven; if any one eats of this bread, he will live for ever; and the bread which I shall give for the life of the world is my flesh." 

The Jews then disputed among themselves saying, "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?" So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you; he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is food indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so he who eats me will live because of me. This is the bread which came down from heaven, not such as the fathers ate and died; he who eats this bread will love for ever." This he said in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum. 

Many of his disciples, when they heard it, said, "This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?" But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples murmured at it, said to them, "Do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the Son of man ascending where he was before? It is the Spirit that gives life, the flesh is of no avail; the words that I have spoken to you are Spirit and life. But there are some of you that do not believe." For Jesus knew from the first who those were that did not believe, and who it was that would betray him. And he said, "This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father." 

After this many of his disciples drew back and no longer walked with him. Jesus said to the Twelve, "Will you also go away?" Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

Growing up, I think I always knew that I was supposed to believe in the Real Presence of the Eucharist, but it didn't really click with me for many years. When I moved to DC and started hearing the words "Real Presence" in pretty much every homily, I was just completely overwhelmed by the whole concept... until I encountered John 6.

There have been countless scholars and theologians and average everyday people who have spent endless hours analyzing this passage - the word choice, the sentence structure, the translation, the meaning behind the words, etc. - and have picked it apart word for word. Protestants will rebuke all Real Presence arguments with the fact that Jesus then claims that only the spirit matters, after he talks extensively about his flesh. Many people just grumble, "Why can't Jesus just come out and say what he means?!"

But if you put all of this aside, and place yourself in the scene, it is obvious that Jesus means exactly what he says. The Jews mumbled and grumbled not once, but twice about this teaching, but Jesus didn't say, "Oh, I'm sorry, you misunderstood what I was saying, I really mean..." Instead, he reiterated what he had already said. Even his own disciples questioned his words, and many of them actually left! Did Jesus shout out to call them back, "Hey, I didn't really mean that whole thing about eating my flesh and drinking my blood! You can come back now!" No. When Jesus said that we must eat his flesh and drink his blood to have life within us, he meant it. 


Reading and reflecting on this passage over and over again made me realize that I couldn't ignore the Real Presence, and this passage led me on my way to believing that the most perfect gift given to us is right in front of us in the Eucharist.

2.

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely. 

... 

For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. 

... 

Psalm 139 is one of the many passages given to me for spiritual reading on my silent retreat. When I first read it, I realized that I'd heard it before - in Audrey Assad's song "Known" - and I got really excited.

This passage has really consoled me at times to know that God knows everything about me. Even when I can't feel His presence, He has searched my heart and knows my desires. He knows my thoughts before I even think them. He even seeks me on whatever path I choose to follow. There's nothing that God doesn't know about me, and I can't hide anything from Him. This can be a very scary thought, but also very freeing to be known and understood better than we know and understand ourselves. Audrey Assad eloquently describes this feeling by singing that God knows us "as a lover knows his beloved's heart, all the shapes and curves of her even in the dark."

3.

Mark 9:12-29 (vs. 23-24)

Jesus said to him, "If you are able! - All things can be done for the one who believes." Immediately the father of the child cried out, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

So I had about two or three other passages I was thinking about for my third choice, but I couldn't make a decision (typical me!). I was then listening to Catholic Answer Live on podcast as I tried to fall asleep one night, and one of the callers asked about this passage from the Gospel of Mark, specifically verse 24. It was one of those times, I think, where God answers some of your prayers in a way where you least expect it, and so I quickly looked up this passage while listening.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states:

Just as Jesus prays to the Father and gives thanks before receiving his gifts, so he teaches us filial boldness: "Whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you will receive it, and you will." (Mk 11:24) Such is the power of prayer and of faith that does not doubt: "all things are possible to him who believes." (CCC 2610)

I think that one of the areas I've been struggling with in my prayer life recently has been that I don't have complete faith that God will take care of me. I have doubts about trusting God enough to give Him complete control in my job search. I realized that this has been one of my stumbling blocks when I heard the caller ask about this passage. Now, my new prayer has become one of asking for complete faith, so that when I pray, I won't doubt in the fact that I will receive in abundance.

--------

I won't tag three other people, because I am not really sure who all has tackled this already... but if you haven't posted about this yet, then let's just say that I tagged you! You can even leave a comment and I will add a tag to this post so it's official!

My Ultimate Spiritual Workout

As mentioned in my last post, I spent five days on a silent retreat out at Loyola on the Potomac in southern Maryland.

Oh, yea, feel the burn.

Well, ladies and gentlemen... was I in for my own personal spiritual workout. It was way above yoga and Tae Bo level... it was like the P90X of spiritual workouts - at least for me.

It was obvious to me on the first day that I had absolutely no idea what I had gotten myself into. While I was expecting to receive insightful answers going into this retreat, many of my prayers were not answered in the way I expected. However, I did manage to "tone" my spiritual life in this ultimate spiritual workout.

Silence

Silence teems with sound if we take the time to listen.
One hears the cries of fears that need calming;
One recognizes love that is smoldering;
One learns to bridge the gap between lack of trust and a vibrant faith.
Silence is not void; it is pregnant with life.
Lord, I will meet You there,
in the silence of my heart. Amen

Most of my memories growing up are surrounded by noise. I have three younger sisters, so you can imagine what daily life was like in my household. When I went off to college on my own, it only seemed to get louder. I always seemed to live in the dorm room right by the stairwell, so even my sleep was disrupted by noise, especially late at night on the weekends. Due to a scholarship, I ended up with a single room my junior year, and I found myself constantly turning on the TV or listening to music or keeping the door open to the hallway or all three at once, because the silence was deafening to me.

So to force myself to be silent for five days, and to be surrounded by twenty other people who were also being silent... well, you can imagine how disconcerting it was to be in a place where you only hear the scraping of forks on plates and the wind through the trees.

Make sure you play the rests properly.

Oh, how I longed for my iPod! To be able to click on the TV for background noise! To pick up the phone and call a friend just to hear a voice! Even to say a simple, "Hello," to people when we play the awkward "which side of the stairs are you going to walk on" dance. I realized how much I have come to depend on using noise to drown out the silence in my life, because there was something about silence that has always scared me. I found myself playing my own soundtrack in my head on my retreat to fill the silence, usually songs related to Scripture passages I was reading, but I noticed that I have needed noise even in my prayer life.

But in the silence, there is a lot to be discovered, and it's not always easy to find. Sometimes, it is only in the silence that we can truly let our guards down and acknowledge what we've really been longing for and missing in life. That isn't to say that God doesn't speak through noise - because He has many times in Scripture (for example, when He speaks to Moses in thunder and lightning, trumpet blasts, and fire on Mount Sinai in Exodus 19), and I have also felt God speak to me through the noise which I constantly surround myself. On the other hand, sometimes He can reveal so much more when it is just you and Him and nothing else. Elijah went up on the mountain in search for God, and he expected to hear Him as Moses did - in tumultuous noise. Yet even though he encountered wind, earthquakes, and fire, he didn't hear God in any of those events. It was in the "sound of sheer silence" where Elijah heard God speaking to him (1 Kings 19:11-12). I can only imagine Elijah's surprise and how thrown off he must have been!

But sometimes God teaches us something about ourselves when we have only silence surrounding us. I mentioned that I had an internal playlist playing in my head throughout my retreat. One of the many songs that kept coming into my head was Matt Nathanson's Come on Get Higher. He starts off the song by saying:

I miss the sound of your voice...I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and I breathe in...

and continues in the second verse:

I miss the sound of your voice, the loudest thing in my head, and I ache to remember, all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said.

While this song is not Christian, and we assume that he is singing about a lover, I've always been attracted to this song as more than just talking about a human relationship. To think of God as a lover, to miss the sound of His voice, to miss feeling His breath in the stillness - to feel all of this and only wish to "get higher" and be close to God once again. I think for me to begin to realize how much I missed the "sound" of His voice, I had to come to grips with the silence, tune out all the noise, and just be.

Filling My Time

Similar to constantly surrounding myself with noise, I have always tried to keep busy. Growing up, I was lucky enough to be able to be involved in Girl Scouts, work on the yearbook at school, take music lessons, and play softball. Into high school and college, I added on band rehearsal, football and hockey games, fraternity meetings and events, volunteer activities... oh, and I studied a lot. I sometimes look back and wonder how I slept the first 22 years of my life. When I did manage to get some free time to relax, I usually just ended up on the couch. My parents can most definitely affirm this, as I spent the three months between undergrad and graduate school laying on the couch... I did have four years worth of relaxing I needed to catch up on!

When I moved to DC, I had a hard time adjusting because I lacked things to do... so I slowly started to fill my schedule with activities. Band rehearsal and concerts, being a Girl Scout leader, attending a Bible study, and tutoring a lot. Slowly, I started to make friends, and began to fill up my time with spending time building strong Christian friendships. As I became more comfortable, I kept adding things onto my plate with coordinating and cooking for our weekly Newman Center dinners and planning fellowship events for graduate students. It got to the point where, again, I had something pretty much every night. When I would have a night off, you could find me on my couch, but still keeping busy with catching up on my TV shows, reading blogs, or making some sort of craft. 

So, you can see that I like to fill my time with noise and something to do. Now imagine this girl, who loves to always be doing something on a five day retreat.

The first day of my retreat, I went to bed at 10 PM... the earliest I've gone to bed in years. Oh, did I mention that I also took a two hour nap that day? I don't ever take naps. Why did I spend so much time sleeping? I was bored. I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't listen to music. I couldn't hang out with my friends. I couldn't even pretend to do work. Sleeping seemed the only cure for filling my time. This, for the most part, continued to be my pattern for the first few days.

What I failed to realize in the first few days was the lack of things to do was the point. To put away all distractions - forcefully, I might add - to focus on what often gets pushed to the side - time with God.

I've found, especially recently, that when I get some time off after a busy or stressful time, I take a vacation from life. Unfortunately, this means I also take a vacation from God. I don't go to Mass as often, I hardly take time to pray, I listen to less "good" music and jam out to more "bad" music, and I spend my time watching TV, shopping, sleeping, etc. Even though I have ample time (especially now while I search for a job), I often find that I put off spending time with God for later.

My view of the sunset each night.

What I came to realize on my retreat was that finding some time to relax doesn't mean taking a vacation from everything. God is not work, in the sense that it's hard work to cultivate a relationship with Him, but it is work that we should enjoy. Working on my relationship with God needs to be a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year kind of job. I don't get two weeks paid vacation from God time. I don't even get sick days. If I take a leave of absence, it is unpaid and when I do come back to "work", I have to spend a lot of time catching up from being away.

In trying to discover how to fill my time on this retreat, I saw that God needs to become my vacation from the hustle and bustle of life. He needs to be my sunset on the beach. He needs to be my time relaxing on the couch. He needs to be the kind of feeling I get when I can sleep in without having to set my alarm (trust me, it's a good feeling!).

When I began to realize this and started to treat God as my vacation, I suddenly found a lot of things to do on my retreat. I spent hours sitting in the chapel. I sat outside each night and watched the sun set over the Potomac. I read more Scripture than I have all year, and found a number of books to also enjoy, including C.S. Lewis, lives of the saints, and The Jeweler's Shop by Pope John Paul II. I walked around the grounds while meditating on things I had read. I started off each morning with a prayer in the chapel and finished each night with the same thing. Most importantly, in finding all these things to do, I tried to always unite my time with God. I started to find God in the stillness of daily life. I started to feel rejuvenated, alive again, which is exactly what vacations are for. Now my daily spiritual workout is to remember to take a vacation with God each and every day.

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. (Pedro Arrupe, SJ)

Letting Go

Imagine that someone has a firm grip on your arm. You try to pry off their fingers one by one, but as soon as you get a couple to release their grasp and move on to the next one, the ones you already pried off clinch right back down again.

Now imagine that the person with the firm grip on your arm is yourself.

Now imagine that it's not your arm on which you have a firm grasp, but your own heart.

I like to know what is planned, so a lot of times, I like to be in control. Unfortunately, this means that I often end up with a firm grasp on my own heart, instead of letting go and allowing God to cradle my heart instead (Psalm 131). Especially at this point in my life - where all the things I thought I would have by now haven't necessarily happened, and all the things I feel I should have figured out by now haven't been figured out - I am holding onto my heart more strongly than ever, trying to figure out what to do next.

This is where I have started to realize that I really need God and His grace. Matt Maher sings in Your Grace is Enough that God "wrestles with the sinner's restless heart." Well, God... bring it on. Let's do this. I'm ready. And even though I may wrestle back, I really do want You to win.