The Myth, The Legend, “The One” (Being Single Series)

Some single Catholic ladies and I were discussing the idea of "The One" a while back, and there were so many differing ideas and opinions on what that means that I asked if any of the ladies wanted to write about it for the Being Single Series. Here is the first of what I hope to be many guest posts about "The One", written by the lovely and oh-so-wise Amanda!

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We’ve all been there. We start talking to one of our friends about a certain guy and the inevitable question comes up:

Is he “The One”?

I used to wait for this question. There was a time in my life where I was dating the man I firmly believed to be “The One”. In fact, at the time, I would have probably bet my life on it. We had the next five years of our lives planned out, the engagement ring, the wedding, where we were going to live, and what we were going to name our kids. You name it and we’d probably had some sort of a plan about it. We started dating and were very serious very fast. Our friends were incredibly supportive and many of them pestered us about when they would get an invitation to our wedding.

Then it ended.

Our fairytale romance had come to an end when he told me that he didn’t think I was “The One” anymore. That’s not my only relationship that has ended with something along the lines of, “I just don’t think you’re ‘The One’.”

The Myth

“The One” sounds like a fairytale, you meet your Prince Charming, you fall in love, and everything is hearts and rainbows. It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? On some level I think we all long for that fairytale romance, that epic story that we’ll tell our children and our grandchildren. We’ll tell them of a perfect love, unstained by bitter fights, and a relationship that was written in the stars.

However, that fairytale isn’t reality. Relationships take work. Whenever you put two people together there are bound to be disagreements, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t get through them together. My parents have been happily married for 28 years and they still disagree from time to time, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t supposed to be together anymore. What matters is that they choose to love each other and they commit to working through the tough times. I think that one of the biggest dangers of buying into the concept of “The One” is that we think that relationships should be effortless and easy, and that we’ll never disagree. We think that we will find that perfect someone and we will instantly click with a powerful and intoxicating chemistry. Then, once we hit a snag in the road or have a disagreement, or get busy with other things, we no longer think the one we are with is “The One” and end the relationship.

The Legend

I’m not saying that clicking and powerful chemistry are bad things. I’m not saying that it isn’t possible to find someone that you feel was made for you. The danger comes in when we pass on good relationships because there is a snag or because we find that relationships actually do take time and effort.

We probably know a story or two of someone close to us who seems to have that fairytale romance. I know a few couples whose love stories put Nicholas Sparks books to shame. Their stories are wonderful, but I know that if l cling to them too closely I’ll assume that my story has to be just like theirs or else I’m a failure in the love department. Those legendary love stories should give us hope: hope that love is real, that people are still willing to commit to one another, and hope that love can triumph.

“The One”

The fact of the matter is that at this very moment God is writing your love story. GOD. Your love story might be one that is legendary, one that Jane Austen could only dream of writing about. Your love story will be unique to you and your future spouse alone. As much as I know and believe that God is writing your love story (and mine), I also know this to be true: relationships take work and commitment. Don’t use the idea of “The One” as a cop-out when you don’t feel like putting in the effort or working through the tough stuff. Entering a relationship with an eye towards marriage, and more importantly toward Heaven, will naturally place your heart in God’s hands. Decide for yourself that relationships are worth the effort. Choose to love. Love is about more than emotions and mushy-gushy feelings – Christ showed us that on the cross.

Is there only one person God made for you? I don’t know. He does. I do know that He will guide you if you let Him, but we have to be willing to put in the effort too.

~*~

Amanda is a single, Catholic woman who lives out in Denver, CO. She works as a youth minister, blogs over at worthy of Agape, writes for Ignitum Today and The Papist, oh, and she wrote a book which is being released on May 14th! Head over to her blog to pre-order your copy today!

The Single Life: Right vs. Good (Being Single Series)

I was extremely excited when Amanda agreed to write a guest post, because I couldn't wait to hear from the perspective of another single single lady! She definitely went above and beyond, and I especially relate to cringing at the idea of being good at being single. This post is so packed full of goodness, you just might have to read it a few times... which is totally what I did too!

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Alright, here is the God’s honest truth: whenever I’m asked to write, or speak, or I feel God calling me to talk about the single life I cringe a little. Sometimes, I cringe a lot. Why is He calling me to write about this or speak about it? Does He think I’m an expert at it? I don’t want to be an expert on the single life! If I somehow became an expert on the single life or got really good at being single, there would be a very real danger of me wanting to stay single and happy forever. Besides, why would I want to change my way of life if I became an expert at being single? God calls us to relationship, both romantic and non-romantic in nature. Does that mean you are a failure if you aren’t in a romantic relationship? Not for a second. It means that God is preparing your heart for the exact purpose He created you for.

Suffice it to say that I get it. Being single isn’t always easy. Some days (especially around the holidays) it can be difficult, lonely, and tiring. More than once I’ve found myself asking God why I’m single and why He has called me here. I can clearly remember asking God that question when I was in college. The conversation between me and God went something like this…

Me: God. I’m in the prime of my youth. I’m in college. I’m even at a Catholic college. Where are all the good guys? Why am I not dating anyone? Why won’t you send me a boyfriend? I want someone to love. I demand someone to love and someone who will love me. Get on it.

Sounds like a pretty one-sided conversation, right? I wish I could say that I gave God a chance to answer. I did, for about five seconds, but when His answer was anything different than what I was asking for (which it was) then I stopped listening. When I stopped listening, I started trying to make things happen for myself. I went out. I partied. I hung out with the not-so-Catholic-boys (and I do mean boys). In the end, I was nowhere near where I wanted to be. I was settling for cheap imitations of love, and deep, deep, deep down, I knew it.

Eventually, I turned back to God and opened my ears and my heart to hear His answer, “Not yet my child, not yet.”

Did that answer break my heart? Not at all. I knew I wasn’t ready.

Since then I’ve been in exactly two serious relationships. Neither of them was perfect and they both ended in heartbreak. With the last relationship, I became so convinced that we were going to get married that I stopped praying about it. I stopped praying about the relationship, instead I only ever prayed for the relationship. There is a difference, and that is a lesson I’ve taken to heart. Since that relationship ended I’ve learned to pray both for and about a relationship before I enter into and once I’m in it. If I feel that He isn’t calling me somewhere then I don’t go there, period. I know that it only leads to heartache.

Today, His answer is still the same, “Not yet my child, not yet.” His answer isn’t a flat-out no, it is a simple but loving “not yet.” I’ve learned to wait on Him, to wait for His lead. By learning to wait for Him, I’m learning to love Him more deeply. By loving Him, who is Love, I learn how to love. I’ve also committed myself to a few things:

Prayer. This takes many different forms. I’ve committed myself to being a prayer warrior for my future husband. I offer up Rosaries for him, Mass for him, and my daily struggles. Whenever I feel lonely or wish he would just show up already, I offer a prayer for him. I write to him. I pray for him specifically and intentionally. I pray for his purity, for his heart, for his openness to the Lord, I pray for him to imitate Jesus and St. Joseph. I can’t tell you how strong I feel as a woman to be able to pray for my future husband now.

More prayer. When my last serious relationship ended I decided that I had to stop being lazy in my spiritual life. I had to stop waiting on a man to be the spiritual leader in my life because the truth is that I already have a Man in my life who is the greatest spiritual leader I could hope for. I decided to go to daily Mass twice a week. Then it was three times a week. Then four. Then five. For months now I’ve been going to Mass every day of the week, with the occasional exception of Saturdays. It keeps me close to His heart, close to Love, grounded and focused on my purpose in life: to serve Him, receive His love and share it with the world.

I find comfort and strength in Jesus. It sounds cheesy and cliché, but it couldn’t be truer. I do my best to fall more deeply in love with Him, and in so doing, I pray that He would soften my heart and teach me to love as He loves: unconditionally and without reserve, regardless of whether I’m single or not.

“Let the root of love be within, of this root can nothing spring but what is good.” – St. Augustine

~*~

Amanda is a single, Catholic woman who lives out in Denver, CO. She works as a youth minister, blogs over at worthy of Agape, writes for Ignitum Today and The Papist, oh, and she wrote a book (which she should hear about any day now...)! If she manages to find any free time, she likes to hike, explore the mountains, play golf, and plan out her Sunday attire so she can show the world what she wore on Sunday! She also wants to come clean with everyone, and admit that she doesn't eat green foods except cucumbers, pickles, honeydew, and kiwi. Someone brought green jello to the party? Nope, she will not be having any of that! (Don't worry, I'll bit the bullet and eat the green jello...) Can't get enough of Amanda? Check out her other writings, and come back for more guest posts coming soon!

Reflections on the Single Life... from a Happily Married Woman (Being Single Series)

I've asked Mary to write a guest post for me more times than I can count... because I always value her insight into faith and relationships! I loved reading her thoughts on the single life because I know that she has been there and done that (note the “Ugh.” in the first paragraph!), but by prayerfully living her vocation as a single woman, she and her husband eventually found their way to each other. I hope you all value her insight as much as I do!

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I think one of the things I hated most about being single, especially after college, was the staggering amount of cliches hurled in my direction at a fairly intense velocity. Of course, in a way, I sought out the cliches since I read Catholic blogs and books on being a Catholic single woman, but did they all have to say the same thing? They all exhorted me to “live your life now” and, “God’s calling you to follow Him now, not just after you meet your future husband.” Ugh. Unfortunately, the worst part about most cliches is that they’re usually correct. God does want you to love Him totally and completely now. Original sin will be there before and after marriage and we always want to be vigilant against that.

Still, telling a person who is craving to meet their soul mate to just distract themselves and keep pursuing the good in the present seems a tad harsh. Desiring to meet the man God has for you seems to me to be a perfectly natural, ordered good. The problem only comes when you let that desire overcome your entire life.

As my husband, John, and I celebrate our one year anniversary, I can’t help but thoroughly praise God for bringing him into my life. John is everything I hoped for, everything I always wanted. In a temporal way, John completes me. We go to Mass together, we pray the rosary together, and we challenge each other. We get into spats, anxieties and sin together, but I love having someone to face all of that icky, ugly stuff with in solidarity. We always eventually come to the conclusion that it’s our purpose to serve God together... sin gets in our way and so, as a couple, we need to fight that with all of our being.

Since I’m a blogger (and a woman), I naturally like lists. Here is a list of the things I wish I’d kept in mind before I met my husband

1. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you’re into your twenties or thirties (or forties) and have never had a serious boyfriend. A dating history is an incredibly poor indicator of happiness in the future. Hanging out with friends or pursuing a fun hobby is a much more purposeful and excellent way to spend free time than dating a loser who you’d never see yourself marrying. Also, just because you haven’t dated anyone before does NOT mean you are not beautiful, fun, smart and a great catch. Having dated a lot is in no way correlated with your meeting an amazing man and living happily ever after.


2. Standing up for what you believe in and what you want from the beginning is a really good idea. Not having sex before marriage, babies after marriage, etc. are good things that should be put on the table and pursued!! Don’t be afraid of the beauty of your faith and the purity of your dreams! Faith and purity are worthy goals to strive for... not aspects about yourself to hide! A good man finds these qualities attractive, so communicating these aspects about yourself helps you find out what kind of guy he really is.


3. Know where to draw the line when it comes to unsolicited advice. Only seek advice from those who absolutely want the best for you. Dating is about discerning which man is going to lead you to heaven. Other friends and family will find it extremely easy to cut that down and distract you with shallower concerns. My sister thought John was geeky and some of my girlfriends thought he was awkward. I stressed out about those observations until one day I realized...I love those aspects about him!


4. Avoid getting caught up in the 21st century “relationship trends”. By this I mean, worrying about being “Facebook official”, planning your future wedding on Pinterest, or spending a ton of time going out in groups and making everyone think you’re in a great relationship when you might not be. Dating is a time of serious discernment. Focus on the time you’re spending with this man. Do you enjoy the time spent together doing absolutely nothing? Does he make you laugh? Does he encourage you to pursue things that you know to be good (faith, acts of charity, relationships with your family, chastity, etc.)? It does not matter what the rest of the world thinks. You know the difference between right and wrong. You know how to tell when a guy is a good man and when he’s really just a boy. Trust your instincts!


5. Spend time around people who help mold you into the person you want to be. Set high goals for yourself. Always be seeking ways to make yourself better, to accomplish things you set your mind to. Yes, dating is fun and it’s always nice to feel desired and wanted... but that’s really not what life is all about. Pray for your future husband (after I had a particularly ugly break up, I prayed that God give me a man like John Walker, the cutest, smartest guy I’d ever met but with whom I was stuck in the “friends zone”. God answered that prayer in the most incredible way!).


6. Be wary of the “friendlationship zone”. I think this is one of the trickiest things girls face today when it comes to dating. They’ll start to be friends with a guy, fall for him and then be anxious about why he’s not moving things to the next level. I would say that if a guy has gotten to know you and is still not pursuing a dating relationship with you, it’s completely fair to ask him what his intentions are. You don’t have to reveal that you like him, but it’s unfair for him to drag you along and enjoy your company and send mixed messages about his feelings for you. A man who wants to pursue a relationship with you generally will without too much help!

Keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a single, beautiful, faithful woman... take pride in that!! You show the world that fulfillment comes not from another person, but from God Himself. When you get right down to it, that is one of the most important witnesses our society needs right now. We turn everywhere but God for fulfillment and it’s easy to think that people can only be fulfilled when they’re married. Insane rates of divorce, domestic violence and “open marriages” tell a completely different story. God is all you really need, let Him help you.

Please pray for me, as I will for sure pray for you!

~*~

Mary, once a single gal, is married to John Walker, a wonderful Catholic man and captain in the U.S. Air Force! Mary studied political science at the George Washington University and received a master's degree in politics from the University of Dallas.  She loves being a military spouse, playing the violin, and the talking/writing about the U.S. Supreme Court, among other things.  She is a regular contributor at Truth and Charity, so go check her out!

Mary and Liesl met through a mutual friend and are lucky enough to be friends in real, real life! They share a love of Yellowcard and Switchfoot, cooking, writing lists that end up being normal numbers (like five, not the above six), and lighting candles (which was discovered as they were the candle-lighters in said mutual friend's wedding!).

Being a Pro at Casual Work Attire

Where I work has a very, shall we say, casual work attire.

I wish I was kidding.
About the "work attire", not my awesome pose.

On a daily basis, I see people walking around the office in ratty jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts, athletic gear, sandals, leather pants... and while others may be comfortable with this, I just feel very un-professional wearing clothing like this in a work environment. Your workplace is where you want to leave a great impression on people!

So, like the rebel I am, I rocked the business attire look for many months, but then I just started feeling like that awkward girl who shows up to a Halloween party dressed up in costume when it turns out it isn't actually a costume party.

Just like this.

So, while I want to make a good impression at work, I also don't want to stand out in a prom-dress-at-the-middle-school-dance kind of way.

I asked the lovely ladies of Fine Linen and Purple to talk about dressing "professionally" in a "casual" way... and then I ended up writing a guest post! I look forward to reading all of your thoughts and what your casual work "staples" are, but here is what I've compiled as my must-haves for keeping it classy at work...

...continue reading my tips over at Fine Linen and Purple!

Travel over to Fine Linen and Purple to see more
pictures of me awkwardly posing for all the world to see!

Rest in Him (Being Single Series)

I love Trista's short and sweet reflection.  It's a great reminder to all of us - especially those of us who are single - that we will be restless unless we rest in God alone.

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Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? - Matthew 6:27

For the past few months, I have been worrying a problem to death, mulling it over and over again. Just when I thought I was done - bam! Back in worry mode.

The Lord has been with me every step, though I couldn't always hear him because of all my chattering. He tried to help me come at the problem in a variety of ways, and yet I still allowed myself to get worked up and distressed.

Finally, He got blunt, in a message surely meant for me, but useful for all single ladies and gents.

"Little girl*," He said, "when was the last time I told you to obsessively worry about some future event and how it will happen or how it might not happen?"

"Well, Lord," I sighed, "never."

"Exactly. Come rest in me, and I will give you my strength for what I have called you to do."

If you are obsessively pondering the single state, stop! Take a deep breath. Rest in the Lord. We are called to live in the moment. We are called to do His will, here and now. Let Him take on all our worries and cares. What He calls us to do, we will surely fulfill, if we just rest in Him.

*Please note this is usually how I feel the Lord addresses me and has no derogatory connotation. The Lord's words "Talitha koum" meaning "Little girl, I say to you, arise!" (in Mark 5) always resounds deeply with my soul.

~*~

Trista is a young adult Catholic who blogs at not a minx and is one of the Bright Maidens. She lives in New York, and has a special devotion to St. Joseph and St. Raphael. Some of her most popular posts include handling break-ups - Catholic style! - and her current long-distance relationship with her beau. Trista loves to travel, including all the way to the DC area to meet two other pretty cool Catholic ladies!

The Beholder (Guest Post for Christina)

Christina at Reflections of a Catholic in Formation is hosting a series entitled You are Beautiful for the month of June. Here is an excerpt from my contribution - head on over to her blog to read the rest and check out the other great posts!

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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

When I first heard this saying as a child, I thought that it meant that beauty was relative.  You know, how some people think the sunrise is one of the most beautiful things in the world, whereas I hold the belief that something that happens that early in the morning can only have so much beauty.

Other things that aren't too beautiful in the morning include my unkempt hair and sleepy eyes.

The trap we fall into with relativism though is that it leads us to believe that lies are the truth - yes, even with beauty! I can't count the number of times I've heard over the years, "You look pretty!" or "That dress looks beautiful on you!" but I can tell you that there have only been a few times I've heard the words we all long to hear: "You are beautiful." 

Yet, when I started thinking about the theme for this post and the above adage popped into my head, another thought came to light that made it all start to make sense in a way I'd never realized before.  What was the thought that entered my mind with this saying, you ask?

What if I think of God as The Beholder?

Beauty is in the eye of The Beholder.

It doesn't change much, but it changes everything.

Read the rest here...

Alright... Good Talk: My Experiences with Spiritual Direction (Guest Post by Christina!)

I've written about some of my experiences with spiritual direction before, but I've never really devoted an entire post to the topic. Perhaps I will someday, but until then I am very excited to welcome my first guest post by Christina!

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Hi everybody! My name is Christina, and I blog next door at Reflections of a Catholic in Formation. Liesl asked me to write a post about my experiences with spiritual direction, and I will gladly do so over the next few paragraphs. On we go!

For anyone who is unfamiliar with the concept of spiritual direction and what it’s all about, let me give you the five cent definition. Spiritual direction is when a person meets with a priest/nun/monk/well-formed lay person to talk about their spiritual life. You’ll talk about how you’re praying, how often, what you struggle with, major themes you notice (or they might notice for you), and perhaps a plan for going forward from where you are. It has a great deal to do with self-awareness, but you’ll also be trying to listen for God’s voice or see His hand in your life. Additionally, they’re a fantastic help if you’re discerning your vocation, and that’s where my story starts.

I was away from the Church for most of my high school career, and reverted to the faith shortly before my freshman year of college began. I had a serious conversion of heart on a retreat that September, and threw myself wholeheartedly into the practice of my faith. I was on cloud nine for a while, going to daily Mass, weekly Adoration, and occasionally cutting my math class to have lunch with the missionaries on campus and two very wonderful religious sisters, and I naturally began to think about entering the religious life myself. However, what began as a passing thought quickly became a matter which consumed my prayer completely. After about three weeks of torturous grappling with it, I decided I had to speak to the university’s chaplain.

I went into his office and very nervously told him that I thought God was calling me to the religious life. I don’t recall what he said, but I do remember that he was much too calm for my comfort, seeming almost to take the news in stride as if I’d informed him of what lovely weather we were having. I was upset by his reaction and confused with what this would mean for me. Would I drop out of school to enter a convent? Would I still be called to the religious life if I finished my degree before pursuing it? The chaplain could see how upset I was, and took me into the chapel to talk. He reassured me that if I was actually being called to the religious life, this wasn’t a bad thing. It’s a beautiful vocation, and the women who are called to it live with extraordinary joy. If I wasn’t being called to religious life, that wasn’t a bad thing, either. Either way, he told me, I should stop trying to actively discern, since I was so new to the faith, and that I should remember that no matter what my vocation ended up being, whatever God called me to would be my happiness (this is one of his favorite things to say).

It was at that point that he recommended that I see him each moth for spiritual direction. Since then, he’s helped me work through some serious issues. When my parents, angered by the change in political views my religious orthodoxy had brought about, pulled me from the Newman Center’s World Youth Day trip and I thought they would force me to spend the next three years at UConn, I was in his office looking for guidance. When I was afraid to go home to my very lax Catholic family for the summer, where I would have none of the support I enjoyed at school, I was talking to him. When I thought once again that I might be called to the religious life, he was counseling me on what to do. When I experienced a sudden and painful spiritual dry spell during my sophomore year, he was helping me work through it. Even working through some very personal issues that affected my spiritual life, I went to the chaplain in spiritual direction.

Of course, I don’t want to give the impression that spiritual directors only help you deal with the tough stuff in your spiritual life. Liesl and I have the same spiritual director, and though he has a unique relationship with each of the people under his direction, he and I have a slightly weirder relationship than most. We make fun of each other a lot, we used to get into a few (lighthearted) physical tussles, and occasionally I will invade his office, take up one of his couches, and we’ll just laugh at the awkward non-sequitur of a situation. We laugh a lot, talk about sports, he’ll occasionally tease me for being a nerd like one of our more recent seminarians, and he’ll guide me through good or emotionally neutral time in my spiritual life, as well. He’ll recommend books I should read or new prayers I could say, either to expand my horizons or to correspond to what’s going on with my prayer life. He’s also my confessor, which helps him and me identify patterns and signs more easily because we see most of what’s going on together, rather than me knowing everything and forgetting to tell him something important or relevant.

Even as a young woman who hasn’t discerned her vocation and doesn’t have a degree yet, I can definitely say that spiritual direction is a tremendous help in my life. It allows me to reorient myself every so often, like a pilot making sure the plane is on course, except with heaven as my destination, it’s not so much about keeping on the only route that will get me there as determining which route God is calling me to take. I imagine that eventually, whether I move away for grad school or work or any other circumstance, I will need to find a new spiritual director. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence, and though I dislike the thought because I also think of mine as a quirky older brother figure, I’m more or less reconciled to the idea that it will happen. In any case, I thank God for my spiritual director and his wise guidance, as well as for allowing me to grow closer to Him through spiritual direction and its fruits.

If you would like to learn more about spiritual direction, you can visit Catholic Spiritual Direction, though you will have to sort through it a little bit, depending on your familiarity with the subject. If you want a spiritual director, ask around with anyone you know who has one. You can also ask any priests or other religious you know to guide you or point you in the right direction for a spiritual director. I hope I’ve helped you all out a little bit by telling the story of my experience with spiritual direction, and I want to thank Liesl for giving me the opportunity to do so. God bless, everyone!

Liesl and Christina met two years ago on the front porch steps of the GW Newman Center, Christina a young freshman and Liesl an old graduate student trying to be welcoming (and not scare people away). Thankfully, Christina kept coming back and the two became friends in real life! Christina is a junior at George Washington University, where she is studying history, how many times you can go to Mass in one day, and wrestling. If you want to contact her, you can find her practically living at the Newman Center during the school year, or you can also reach her through her blog or email at reflecting.catholic@gmail.com.