Some single Catholic ladies and I were discussing the idea of "The One" a while back, and there were so many differing ideas and opinions on what that means that I asked if any of the ladies wanted to write about it for the Being Single Series. Here is the first of what I hope to be many guest posts about "The One", written by the lovely and oh-so-wise Amanda!
~*~
We’ve all been there. We start talking to one of our friends about a certain guy and the inevitable question comes up:
Is he “The One”?
I used to wait for this question. There was a time in my life where I was dating the man I firmly believed to be “The One”. In fact, at the time, I would have probably bet my life on it. We had the next five years of our lives planned out, the engagement ring, the wedding, where we were going to live, and what we were going to name our kids. You name it and we’d probably had some sort of a plan about it. We started dating and were very serious very fast. Our friends were incredibly supportive and many of them pestered us about when they would get an invitation to our wedding.
Then it ended.
Our fairytale romance had come to an end when he told me that he didn’t think I was “The One” anymore. That’s not my only relationship that has ended with something along the lines of, “I just don’t think you’re ‘The One’.”
The Myth
“The One” sounds like a fairytale, you meet your Prince Charming, you fall in love, and everything is hearts and rainbows. It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? On some level I think we all long for that fairytale romance, that epic story that we’ll tell our children and our grandchildren. We’ll tell them of a perfect love, unstained by bitter fights, and a relationship that was written in the stars.
However, that fairytale isn’t reality. Relationships take work. Whenever you put two people together there are bound to be disagreements, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t get through them together. My parents have been happily married for 28 years and they still disagree from time to time, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t supposed to be together anymore. What matters is that they choose to love each other and they commit to working through the tough times. I think that one of the biggest dangers of buying into the concept of “The One” is that we think that relationships should be effortless and easy, and that we’ll never disagree. We think that we will find that perfect someone and we will instantly click with a powerful and intoxicating chemistry. Then, once we hit a snag in the road or have a disagreement, or get busy with other things, we no longer think the one we are with is “The One” and end the relationship.
The Legend
I’m not saying that clicking and powerful chemistry are bad things. I’m not saying that it isn’t possible to find someone that you feel was made for you. The danger comes in when we pass on good relationships because there is a snag or because we find that relationships actually do take time and effort.
We probably know a story or two of someone close to us who seems to have that fairytale romance. I know a few couples whose love stories put Nicholas Sparks books to shame. Their stories are wonderful, but I know that if l cling to them too closely I’ll assume that my story has to be just like theirs or else I’m a failure in the love department. Those legendary love stories should give us hope: hope that love is real, that people are still willing to commit to one another, and hope that love can triumph.
“The One”
The fact of the matter is that at this very moment God is writing your love story. GOD. Your love story might be one that is legendary, one that Jane Austen could only dream of writing about. Your love story will be unique to you and your future spouse alone. As much as I know and believe that God is writing your love story (and mine), I also know this to be true: relationships take work and commitment. Don’t use the idea of “The One” as a cop-out when you don’t feel like putting in the effort or working through the tough stuff. Entering a relationship with an eye towards marriage, and more importantly toward Heaven, will naturally place your heart in God’s hands. Decide for yourself that relationships are worth the effort. Choose to love. Love is about more than emotions and mushy-gushy feelings – Christ showed us that on the cross.
Is there only one person God made for you? I don’t know. He does. I do know that He will guide you if you let Him, but we have to be willing to put in the effort too.
~*~
Amanda is a single, Catholic woman who lives out in Denver, CO. She works as a youth minister, blogs over at worthy of Agape, writes for Ignitum Today and The Papist, oh, and she wrote a book which is being released on May 14th! Head over to her blog to pre-order your copy today!
The anticipation had been building for awhile, at least for me. I couldn't ignore the hunger any more. It felt like I had been waiting an eternity, and I just couldn't hold off any longer. Screw waiting for the wedding!!! I thought.
So I gave in to the urge.
Wait, wait, wait... you all know what I'm talking about, right?
Be honest - how many of you are thinking that this post is about - are the kids out of the room? no? ok, I'll spell it instead - s-e-x?
I know my most read post is about porn, but c'mon y'all! Getchyour mind out of the gutter!
I know. It's beautiful. It's alright if you tear up. I totally did.
Let me backtrack a bit...
I'm sure many of you know that I love to bake. Partly because I love sugar and partly because it's one of those ways that I show people that I care. Like really care.
Some of you also might know that this KitchenAid stand mixer is a baker's dream. Like heaven. On your countertop. You can make an entire batch of cookies at once!!!!!
So, it probably comes at no surprise that I've always wanted a KitchenAid stand mixer for my very own. I have great memories making batches of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies with my family growing up, and ever since I became an adult, my wrist has always longed for the relief of not having to mix cookie batter with a hand mixer.
But something has always been holding me back, and that something is the idea of waiting for the wedding.
KitchenAid stand mixers do not come cheap. This one runs for a retail price of $299.99, and that's the cheapest one! So, while I've always wanted one, I've never taken the leap to buying one.
It's soooo expensive! I think.
Can I really justify spending that kind of money on something for just me? I wonder.
Because only married people use kitchen appliances.
This is the kind of thing you put on your wedding registry, is the thought that always cinched the "Not gonna give in and buy it" mindset.
You see, for years, I've been living with the idea that there are things that I would want - things that I would use - but I haven't bought them for myself because they are the kinds of things that you register for when you get engaged.
The kinds of things that your girlfriends all chip in to buy you for your bridal shower.
Or that really expensive item that your dad's co-worker has shipped to your parents' house before the wedding all gift-wrapped in special Macy's ribbons and bows.
Or the gift that your great Aunt Ruth (who had a beard... and it felt weird...) splurges on for you because you are her favoritest great niece in the whole wide world.
It's one of those expensive gifts like nice crystal or china that you wait to buy so you can put something on your wedding registry... and if you buy it before the man comes along, then what are you supposed to register for?!
Waiting for the wedding was holding me back. It was keeping me from living my dreams... my baker's dream, that is.
And then it happened. Everything just lined up too perfectly. It's like it was God's will! All KitchenAid appliances went on sale at Kohl's. Then they had a special Ebates deal on top of that. Then there was the extra 30% off. Then there was the Kohl's cash. Then there was the mail-in rebate. You get the idea. When it all came down to it, the final price was going to be down from $299.99 to under $100. I even had some muscle who carried it to my apartment and set it up for me! How could I say not give in?
Obviously, I have a hard time saying "No!" to any great deal, but it was more than that. It was finally time for me. It was a change in my mindset. I'm done waiting for the wedding. I have a life that's worth living now, not just someday when I get married.
So, it did happen that one Friday night, where I didn't wait for the wedding. I had some chivalrous muscle come over to carry it up from the lobby for me, pull it out of the box, and place it ever so gently on the countertop.
It was a beautiful moment. It was everything I had hoped it would be. And it was mine. A gift for myself.
I was extremely excited when Amanda agreed to write a guest post, because I couldn't wait to hear from the perspective of another single single lady! She definitely went above and beyond, and I especially relate to cringing at the idea of being good at being single. This post is so packed full of goodness, you just might have to read it a few times... which is totally what I did too!
~*~
Alright, here is the God’s honest truth: whenever I’m asked to write, or speak, or I feel God calling me to talk about the single life I cringe a little. Sometimes, I cringe a lot. Why is He calling me to write about this or speak about it? Does He think I’m an expert at it? I don’t want to be an expert on the single life! If I somehow became an expert on the single life or got really good at being single, there would be a very real danger of me wanting to stay single and happy forever. Besides, why would I want to change my way of life if I became an expert at being single? God calls us to relationship, both romantic and non-romantic in nature. Does that mean you are a failure if you aren’t in a romantic relationship? Not for a second. It means that God is preparing your heart for the exact purpose He created you for.
Suffice it to say that I get it. Being single isn’t always easy. Some days (especially around the holidays) it can be difficult, lonely, and tiring. More than once I’ve found myself asking God why I’m single and why He has called me here. I can clearly remember asking God that question when I was in college. The conversation between me and God went something like this…
Me: God. I’m in the prime of my youth. I’m in college. I’m even at a Catholic college. Where are all the good guys? Why am I not dating anyone? Why won’t you send me a boyfriend? I want someone to love. I demand someone to love and someone who will love me. Get on it.
Sounds like a pretty one-sided conversation, right? I wish I could say that I gave God a chance to answer. I did, for about five seconds, but when His answer was anything different than what I was asking for (which it was) then I stopped listening. When I stopped listening, I started trying to make things happen for myself. I went out. I partied. I hung out with the not-so-Catholic-boys (and I do mean boys). In the end, I was nowhere near where I wanted to be. I was settling for cheap imitations of love, and deep, deep, deep down, I knew it.
Eventually, I turned back to God and opened my ears and my heart to hear His answer, “Not yet my child, not yet.”
Did that answer break my heart? Not at all. I knew I wasn’t ready.
Since then I’ve been in exactly two serious relationships. Neither of them was perfect and they both ended in heartbreak. With the last relationship, I became so convinced that we were going to get married that I stopped praying about it. I stopped praying about the relationship, instead I only ever prayed for the relationship. There is a difference, and that is a lesson I’ve taken to heart. Since that relationship ended I’ve learned to pray both for and about a relationship before I enter into and once I’m in it. If I feel that He isn’t calling me somewhere then I don’t go there, period. I know that it only leads to heartache.
Today, His answer is still the same, “Not yet my child, not yet.” His answer isn’t a flat-out no, it is a simple but loving “not yet.” I’ve learned to wait on Him, to wait for His lead. By learning to wait for Him, I’m learning to love Him more deeply. By loving Him, who is Love, I learn how to love. I’ve also committed myself to a few things:
Prayer. This takes many different forms. I’ve committed myself to being a prayer warrior for my future husband. I offer up Rosaries for him, Mass for him, and my daily struggles. Whenever I feel lonely or wish he would just show up already, I offer a prayer for him. I write to him. I pray for him specifically and intentionally. I pray for his purity, for his heart, for his openness to the Lord, I pray for him to imitate Jesus and St. Joseph. I can’t tell you how strong I feel as a woman to be able to pray for my future husband now.
More prayer. When my last serious relationship ended I decided that I had to stop being lazy in my spiritual life. I had to stop waiting on a man to be the spiritual leader in my life because the truth is that I already have a Man in my life who is the greatest spiritual leader I could hope for. I decided to go to daily Mass twice a week. Then it was three times a week. Then four. Then five. For months now I’ve been going to Mass every day of the week, with the occasional exception of Saturdays. It keeps me close to His heart, close to Love, grounded and focused on my purpose in life: to serve Him, receive His love and share it with the world.
I find comfort and strength in Jesus. It sounds cheesy and cliché, but it couldn’t be truer. I do my best to fall more deeply in love with Him, and in so doing, I pray that He would soften my heart and teach me to love as He loves: unconditionally and without reserve, regardless of whether I’m single or not.
“Let the root of love be within, of this root can nothing spring but what is good.” – St. Augustine
~*~
Amanda is a single, Catholic woman who lives out in Denver, CO. She works as a youth minister, blogs over at worthy of Agape, writes for Ignitum Today and The Papist, oh, and she wrote a book (which she should hear about any day now...)! If she manages to find any free time, she likes to hike, explore the mountains, play golf, and plan out her Sunday attire so she can show the world what she wore on Sunday! She also wants to come clean with everyone, and admit that she doesn't eat green foods except cucumbers, pickles, honeydew, and kiwi. Someone brought green jello to the party? Nope, she will not be having any of that! (Don't worry, I'll bit the bullet and eat the green jello...) Can't get enough of Amanda? Check out her other writings, and come back for more guest posts coming soon!
I've asked Mary to write a guest post for me more times than I can count... because I always value her insight into faith and relationships! I loved reading her thoughts on the single life because I know that she has been there and done that (note the “Ugh.” in the first paragraph!), but by prayerfully living her vocation as a single woman, she and her husband eventually found their way to each other. I hope you all value her insight as much as I do!
~*~
I think one of the things I hated most about being single, especially after college, was the staggering amount of cliches hurled in my direction at a fairly intense velocity. Of course, in a way, I sought out the cliches since I read Catholic blogs and books on being a Catholic single woman, but did they all have to say the same thing? They all exhorted me to “live your life now” and, “God’s calling you to follow Him now, not just after you meet your future husband.” Ugh. Unfortunately, the worst part about most cliches is that they’re usually correct. God does want you to love Him totally and completely now. Original sin will be there before and after marriage and we always want to be vigilant against that.
Still, telling a person who is craving to meet their soul mate to just distract themselves and keep pursuing the good in the present seems a tad harsh. Desiring to meet the man God has for you seems to me to be a perfectly natural, ordered good. The problem only comes when you let that desire overcome your entire life.
As my husband, John, and I celebrate our one year anniversary, I can’t help but thoroughly praise God for bringing him into my life. John is everything I hoped for, everything I always wanted. In a temporal way, John completes me. We go to Mass together, we pray the rosary together, and we challenge each other. We get into spats, anxieties and sin together, but I love having someone to face all of that icky, ugly stuff with in solidarity. We always eventually come to the conclusion that it’s our purpose to serve God together... sin gets in our way and so, as a couple, we need to fight that with all of our being.
Since I’m a blogger (and a woman), I naturally like lists. Here is a list of the things I wish I’d kept in mind before I met my husband
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you’re into your twenties or thirties (or forties) and have never had a serious boyfriend. A dating history is an incredibly poor indicator of happiness in the future. Hanging out with friends or pursuing a fun hobby is a much more purposeful and excellent way to spend free time than dating a loser who you’d never see yourself marrying. Also, just because you haven’t dated anyone before does NOT mean you are not beautiful, fun, smart and a great catch. Having dated a lot is in no way correlated with your meeting an amazing man and living happily ever after.
Standing up for what you believe in and what you want from the beginning is a really good idea. Not having sex before marriage, babies after marriage, etc. are good things that should be put on the table and pursued!! Don’t be afraid of the beauty of your faith and the purity of your dreams! Faith and purity are worthy goals to strive for... not aspects about yourself to hide! A good man finds these qualities attractive, so communicating these aspects about yourself helps you find out what kind of guy he really is.
Know where to draw the line when it comes to unsolicited advice. Only seek advice from those who absolutely want the best for you. Dating is about discerning which man is going to lead you to heaven. Other friends and family will find it extremely easy to cut that down and distract you with shallower concerns. My sister thought John was geeky and some of my girlfriends thought he was awkward. I stressed out about those observations until one day I realized...I love those aspects about him!
Avoid getting caught up in the 21st century “relationship trends”. By this I mean, worrying about being “Facebook official”, planning your future wedding on Pinterest, or spending a ton of time going out in groups and making everyone think you’re in a great relationship when you might not be. Dating is a time of serious discernment. Focus on the time you’re spending with this man. Do you enjoy the time spent together doing absolutely nothing? Does he make you laugh? Does he encourage you to pursue things that you know to be good (faith, acts of charity, relationships with your family, chastity, etc.)? It does not matter what the rest of the world thinks. You know the difference between right and wrong. You know how to tell when a guy is a good man and when he’s really just a boy. Trust your instincts!
Spend time around people who help mold you into the person you want to be. Set high goals for yourself. Always be seeking ways to make yourself better, to accomplish things you set your mind to. Yes, dating is fun and it’s always nice to feel desired and wanted... but that’s really not what life is all about. Pray for your future husband (after I had a particularly ugly break up, I prayed that God give me a man like John Walker, the cutest, smartest guy I’d ever met but with whom I was stuck in the “friends zone”. God answered that prayer in the most incredible way!).
Be wary of the “friendlationship zone”. I think this is one of the trickiest things girls face today when it comes to dating. They’ll start to be friends with a guy, fall for him and then be anxious about why he’s not moving things to the next level. I would say that if a guy has gotten to know you and is still not pursuing a dating relationship with you, it’s completely fair to ask him what his intentions are. You don’t have to reveal that you like him, but it’s unfair for him to drag you along and enjoy your company and send mixed messages about his feelings for you. A man who wants to pursue a relationship with you generally will without too much help!
Keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a single, beautiful, faithful woman... take pride in that!! You show the world that fulfillment comes not from another person, but from God Himself. When you get right down to it, that is one of the most important witnesses our society needs right now. We turn everywhere but God for fulfillment and it’s easy to think that people can only be fulfilled when they’re married. Insane rates of divorce, domestic violence and “open marriages” tell a completely different story. God is all you really need, let Him help you.
Please pray for me, as I will for sure pray for you!
~*~
Mary, once a single gal, is married to John Walker, a wonderful Catholic man and captain in the U.S. Air Force! Mary studied political science at the George Washington University and received a master's degree in politics from the University of Dallas. She loves being a military spouse, playing the violin, and the talking/writing about the U.S. Supreme Court, among other things. She is a regular contributor at Truth and Charity, so go check her out!
Mary and Liesl met through a mutual friend and are lucky enough to be friends in real, real life! They share a love of Yellowcard and Switchfoot, cooking, writing lists that end up being normal numbers (like five, not the above six), and lighting candles (which was discovered as they were the candle-lighters in said mutual friend's wedding!).
Some thoughts about being single from people who say things much better than me.
On the desire for marriage and the single person's fear of heartbreak and loneliness...
"The good thing is that our Father in Heaven, in Christ Jesus, shows us this great example through Christ about this suffering and how we need to embrace that suffering of maybe loneliness or the fear, but if we embrace it with Christ, He promises us resurrection, He promises us that fulfillment of those desires. The desire that we have in our hearts for unity and for love, He placed there! And so what kind of a Father would give us a desire that wouldn't fulfill it, and He wants to fill it abundantly and we have to trust that faith and we have to believe that our Father in Heaven desires that more than anything else, even more than we desire it. And so I guess it's a matter of the very foundation of putting that faith and trust in God and going with our Lord and place that petition before our Lord, and He will hear it and He will answer that prayer."
(Jason Angelette, on Catholic Answers Live, ~9:50 into the show)
On being worried...
"I am not at all worried about the future. I am sure God will do his will; it is the only grace I desire."
(St. Therese of Lisieux)
On the ache of singlehood...
God is the only one who can satisfy your heart. Another person doesn't complete you, only Jesus Christ can complete you! Place your trust in God, not in people. People disappoint, but God never does.
Marriage is not going to fix you. The healthier you can be as a single person in your faith and in yourself, the better foundation that's going to be for your marriage. Marriage isn't there to make you happy, it's there to make you holy!
The more intimate your relationship with God, the less you will feel that ache for another person. The perfect man for you can't even hold a candle to God and His love for you. He fills that desire in our hearts.
O God, you are my God—
it is you I seek! For you my body yearns;
for you my soul thirsts,
In a land parched, lifeless,
and without water.
I look to you in the sanctuary
to see your power and glory.
For your love is better than life;
my lips shall ever praise you!
I will bless you as long as I live;
I will lift up my hands, calling on your name.
My soul shall be sated as with choice food,
with joyous lips my mouth shall praise you!
I think of you upon my bed,
I remember you through the watches of the night
You indeed are my savior,
and in the shadow of your wings I shout for joy.
My soul clings fast to you;
your right hand upholds me.
In the hidden recesses of the human heart the grace of a vocation takes the form of a dialogue. It is a dialogue between Christ and an individual, in which a personal invitation is given. Christ calls the person by name and says: "Come, follow me." This call, this mysterious inner voice of Christ, is heard most clearly in silence and prayer. Its acceptance is an act of faith.
(Blessed John Paul II, Homily, February 10, 1986)
Do you have any quotations or reflections on being single you'd like to share?
*If you'd like to contribute a guest post to the Being Single Series, e-mail me at spiritualworkoutblog @ gmail.com*
Ah, being single. There are so many fun things that go along with being single. Having no one to witness you eating an entire package of Oreos, for one. Oh, sure, we get the loneliness and seem to be extra super de duper vulnerable to the "He Likes Me!?, He Likes Me Not???" moments, but no big deal, right?
You know what I’m talking about. The Taylor Swift-esque “ohmygoodness he just winked at me *squeeeeeeeee*” moment that changes everything, and makes you wonder if he’s starting to see you as more than a friend. Then right when you decide that yes, yes he does see you as more than a friend and you pour out your wee little heart, you get the great big stamp of rejection. Oh so fun.
Fortunately for us single ladies, people do still date and get married, so rejection doesn’t happen all the time (right?!). So, the question is – when is he trying to show he’s interested in you and when is he just trying to be your friend? Guys, how can we tell what you mean? Us ladies tend to analyze everything, so could you just be a bit more clear?
I came across this gem this weekend, and not only did it make me laugh, but I found most of his tips from one guy to another to be pretty spot on.
So, while I typically write towards the ladies, this post is more for the lads. I thought you might be interested in having one gal's perspective on these ten tips. I don't write for all the single ladies, but I think many of us would generally have similar ideas about these tips.
I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts, though, guys and gals. What do you think of these tips? Any that you would add? How do you handle the “What is our ______-ship status” dance?
Just so you know, medium
salsa is spicy to me!
#10 - Find Out What She Likes - While I would find it sweet if you were willing to go see Twilight with me, I actually would prefer that you didn't! That being said, when I am getting to know someone, I love hearing what your interests are. Lads who are so passionate about something that they get visibly excited when telling me about said passion are medium salsa spicy to very attractive.
So, on the flip side, a lad taking the time to learn what I'm passionate about, and then taking even more time to be interested in at least hearing about what I love? That makes me feel pretty special. Even better, try out some of these things with me! This gal’s main love language (I feel lame… “love language” sounds so 1960s or something) is quality time, so if you’re willing to spend some quality time with me doing the things that I love or you love, I’m inevitably going to take an interest in you.
#9 - Encourage Her - This cannot be stressed enough! Everyone has confidence issues from time to time, and that’s why it is so important to build me up, not tear me down. Yes, I can take jokes all day and will most likely dish it back to you, but if that’s all you do, without any words of encouragement, you can bet that it will get old fast. I know that I will especially notice if a guy is encouraging to me during a time when I’m down or lacking confidence. Making me feel that who I am and what I do is of value to you or others is a sure-fire way to show some interest in me.
#8 - Compliment Her - I’m going to let you in on a secret, lads. Ladies tend to do things to impress you or gain your notice. Whether it’s making a witty comment that I know will make you laugh or wearing a shirt I know that you like, I’m guilty of this too. So when you take notice and compliment me, I notice that you noticed. Make sense?
Honestly, a compliment goes a long way. It shows me that not only do you appreciate something about me, but that you are also comfortable enough to let me know that you like how my shirt brings out my eyes or you love the brownies I baked. And the more you compliment me, the more likely I am to feel comfortable complimenting you. And guys love compliments too, right?
She's talking to me, we're besties.
Don't let "HIM!!!" be you!
#7 - Get to Know Her Family and Friends - I know that this can be tough since my family doesn’t live near me, but showing an interest in my family and friends shows that you are interested in hearing about the important people in my life. Ask how my weekend at home was with my family or about the fun plans I have with my friends that weekend. Better yet, remember the names of my sisters, other family members, or friends. Hearing that you remember that I’m hanging out with my friend Bon Qui Qui this weekend makes me realize that you were truly listening when I gave the play-by-play of my weekend plans with her earlier.
#6 - Support Your Local Chivalry - Contrary to popular belief, chivalry is not dead! Chivalry is a bit more about opening the door for a lady, though. It’s about the intention behind what you are doing - it's truly about having a servant's heart. Loving another is all about serving and putting another person’s needs above your own. “Acts of service” is another one of those fun lurve languages that I happen to like. It doesn’t have to be something huge, it's the little things that make a big difference, as long as you have the right intention. Hold the door for me. Walk me to my car. Help me put on my coat. Pay for my dinner... or ice cream... or both! When all else fails, ask: "Hey is there anything I can do to make your life as lovely as you are?" My answer: “Always, and yes, yes please.”
#5 - Don't Post Cell Phone Mirror Self Portraits on Facebook - Does anyone actually do this anymore? If you do, just stop now, and please don't ever ever ever do this again.
#4 - Don't Lay it on Too Thick - I have to disagree a bit with him here. Sure, don't be a creeper. Nobody likes a creeper. At the same time, though, it's ok to show that you are taking an interest in me, especially if you are showing that you are thinking about me when I’m not around! Text me when you see something that reminds you of me! Post a funny video to my Facebook if it made you think of the conversation we had earlier that day! Invite me to go try that new burger place you passed on your way home because you know I enjoy a good burger! Just don’t be over the top – if you find yourself wanting to lay it on thick all the time, then you should probably go read the message to the lads who are interested at the bottom.
Totally not kidding. You think I'm
kidding about not kidding, but I'm not.
#3 - Keep Your Hands to Yourself! - I'm not going to lie. I was at first offended by being compared to a candy bar. Then I realized how I get when I just HAVE TO HAVE CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW. It's like a destructive frenzy and bless the poor souls who get in my way. Old lady in the grocery store? Who cares. I need my chocolate NOW. So when he said to remember that you always want more candy bars (except with Oreos, of course), I can relate to the difficulty of putting on the brakes. Sure, I enjoy polishing off an entire package of Oreos in 15 minutes just like the next person, but when I spread out the Oreo love over a longer period of time, I value my Oreos a lot more.
Of course, I think that this is an over-simplified version of what men (and women!) tend to go through, but I think he makes some good points. One of the best ways to show me that you’re interested – and to get me to like you in return – is to respect me – including my beliefs, my needs, and my comfort level. I know that I work hard to practice the virtue of self-control, and I can’t even begin to explain how attractive it is to me when a lad exhibits self-control as well.
All of this being said, you also don’t have to be all middle-school-dance style. As my secondary love language (again, weird) is touch, you initiating respectful physical contact, like a hug or a little brush of the arm or the hand, shows me that you’re interested in more than friendship. However, respect that I place a lot of value on certain things that are reserved for the dating stage and other things that are reserved for the marriage stage, and respect that it’s important to me to only share these valuables with someone I treasure equally as much.
#2 - Make Her Feel Safe - I think this is the tip that resonated the most with me, oddly enough. In those first stages of spending more time together, one of my first thoughts is, “I feel safe and comfortable with this person.” If I don’t/can’t trust you, I won’t feel safe being me with you and therefore sharing who I am with you. I think the best way to make me feel safe is to follow #1.
#1 - Be Her Best Friend - I feel safe with someone that I trust completely, and people that I trust are those who have taken the time to get to know me and have become a close friend. All that talk about “the friend zone” with the lads just irks me, because why would you want to waste your time with someone you don't like spending time with? Strong and lasting relationships are built on strong friendships – trust, respect, and, for me, lots of laughter! The easiest way to be my best friend? Conversation. If I can sit and have a great conversation with you before realizing that hours have passed, then chances are I trust you, and possibly have maybe even considered the thought of letting you be more than my best friend.
So here’s what it comes down to, for me and for many other single ladies that I know.
Guys, if you read only one thing in all of this post, it should be these messages to YOU.
Here, have a beer to get you through.
Take your pick!
To the Lads who aren't interested:
Yes, keeping chivalry alive and respecting and appreciating the lasses in your life is important... but don't take it too far. To put it bluntly, being led on by a guy absolutely sucks. Doing all of these things without having any interest in me whatsoever is leading me on, and leads to rejection. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but for a girl who thinks she is being wooed - to have that suddenly ripped out from under her feet - it hurts. It’s important that you aren’t lying with your actions. Saying, “You’re a great friend!” isn’t going to cut it – your actions have to mimic your words and vice versa. So please, be gentle with our hearts. Respect and care for us, but know where the line is.
To the Lads who are interested:
Trying out the top ten things goes a long way to showing me that you care, that you appreciate me, that you respect me, that you are interested in me. But speaking from personal experience and the experiences of so many others, I’ve been hurt by men who have done many of these things without having an interest in anything other than friendship. Each time this happens, unfortunately, I start building a wall up around my heart in an attempt to keep from getting hurt again. And, if you are showing your interest in me by doing all the above things, as much as I want to think that everything you do is because you're interested, it can be difficult to tear down the wall because I’m afraid of falling for the same lies again. This leads me to the #1 tip that isn't on this list but that you need to know…
USE YOUR WORDS.
Actions can say a lot, but actually saying, "Hey, I'd like to take you out on a date on Saturday night." or even "Hey, I like you as more than a friend. How would you feel about us dating?" means so much more. If you’ve taken the time with #1 above, I am going to trust what you say. I can't question words as easily as I can wonder about your actions. Obviously, timing is everything. Take the necessary time to get to know me and show how you care, but don’t putz around either. Otherwise, I’m going to start to think that your actions are meaningless.
Nerves getting the best of you? Don’t let them. If you’ve taken the time to get to know me and become my friend, all while going above and beyond to show your interest in me, then chances are that I’ve almost 100% definitely wondered about your intentions and thought about wanting to be just more than your friend, too. After all, this video was all about 10 ways to get a girl to like you. It maybe sorta kinda works.
Just remember, nothing says "I care about you," like actually saying, "I care about you."
You could also just send me this in an email.
That was a joke. Please don't do that.
Unless you've already told me, then go right ahead. I might laugh. Maybe.
I liked reading Emily's post because I think us single ladies often get caught up in the idea of, "Well, once I meet my Prince Charming and we fall in love, we'll get married right away and have super cute babies!!!!" which means we forget the whole dating and engagement time are still part of the single vocation! Emily's experiences are a good reminder to live on God's timing. Even if we know our vocation, sometimes we still have to be patient.
~*~
I've been engaged for exactly 367 days. Yep, you heard that right. It's been an entire year of this engagement process. I can’t exactly say my patience has been cooperating with me (it hasn’t), and I can’t say that this journey was easy (it wasn’t), but I can say that it has taught me to appreciate my time of being single before I say I do.
Being single is that time to really think about your vocation. Married life? Single life? Religious life? At my high school we had a class dedicated solely to vocations. Discernment is a tough process, especially at high school age! For some reason, I always knew I wanted to be married and be a mother. I prayed about it a lot when I was younger. When I finally met the man I knew I wanted to marry, I wanted to start living my vocation RIGHT NOW.
Clearly that didn’t happen. We still had 21 months left of being single people. We had 21 months left of not being “One” with God. We had 21 months left of being apart, not seeing each other, and talking little during the day. But we also had 21 months left of being single people and living out that vocation for that part of our lives.
Waiting to be married meant that I can learn to appreciate the little things I may not have when I’m married. As excited as I am to be married to my love, many things will change for me. I’m learning to enjoy what I have now and to still be excited for the future at the same time.
Even if you know what you are called to do, having patience on getting there and praying to God for guidance is the best thing you can do. Waiting to live out your vocation is tough (believe me, I know!), but God is really trying to teach you something! God is teaching me patience as I am waiting (8 more months!) for our wedding. He’s teaching me to appreciate the time I do have with my fiancé because even when we are married we both will have busy schedules. He’s teaching me to be a more compassionate person.
While waiting that strenuous wait to truly live out your vocation, think of the things that you are learning from God in the process. The single life isn’t the easiest thing, but there’s a reason why we wait 20-something years to really start living out what we’re called to do. Even if the single life is for you, it still takes a lot of prayer and contemplating. Believe me; God knows what He’s doing!
~*~
Emily is a 20-something almost-Catholic who is from Ohio. She blogs about her wedding planning, conversion, and weight-loss over at Day in the Life. She cannot wait to be married to her love on May 4 next year!
But getting rejected myself? Now that is not so fun.
Unfortunately, it's one of those annoying crosses of the single life to have to deal with rejection (after rejection after rejection etc. et al. la dee da). I don't have a lot of "official" dating experience, but I have been "officially" rejected more times than I would like to try counting.
Oreally?!
(P.S. I couldn't find a version of a guy saying this...
probably because this has been said by no guy ever.)
The good news is, I can always learn something new from these times of being rejected. God always wants us to get good out of suffering, right?
This post can be for the ladies who are dealing with break-ups, but it really is for those who have just been led on and/or rejected before it even got to the break-up stage. According to my spiritual director, ladies do more rejecting than men (which I've heard of never), so lads, go ahead and read these pointers if you're drowning your rejection in a tub of ice cream too.
For your benefit, I've compiled a succinct list of things that should help you if you ever get rejected, because I am pretty much an expert at it.
You're so welcome. My pain is your gain, ya?*
~*~
~ Don't write on your blog/Facebook about your rejection until you can laugh about it... it's always better to write with humor and a dash of sarcasm anyway.
~ Walk around muttering under your breath that men of this world should be more like Jesus, and Jesus would never reject you, obviously.
~ Read the Book of Job. His life was way worse. Then be thankful that your skin isn't covered in boils, because that is so unattractive.
"Oh, hey, I read Numbers all the time too!"
~ Learn to smile when he says, "You're a really great friend." And by smile, I mean think to yourself, "I hate that word."
~ Use all the free time you have now to practice those stellar Catholic pick-up lines. Always want to be prepared in case you catch the eye of a cutie two pews over at Mass.
~ Tell yourself that he's probably going to become a priest anyway... it will help you get over it faster, and Mary would be a better girlfriend for him. She has way more patience.
~ Realize that Taylor Swift songs can only be so cathartic. It doesn't matter if she was clearly thinking about your life when she wrote The Story of Us, you should probably only listen to her 10 times per day, no más.
I'm tracking how many times your watch this!
~ Pray to St. Francis and St. Clare of Assisi that you can one day rebuild your friendship with him... and while you're storming heaven with your pleas, throw in one to St. Jude to help you out with this seemingly impossible cause.
~ Embrace the awkward. There's nothing you can do about it, but at least you can enjoy watching him do the awkward turtle squirm.
~ Yes, maybe your prayer led you to think that you were going to get married and have adorable babies, but no, God did not lead you on like the boy did. There's a point to all of this... probably.
No use crying over spilt... onions?
~ Get thee to a nunnery kitchen... because nothing helps you vent hurt and frustration with the male species quite like large kitchen knives and pounding on some cookie dough. I personally recommend chopping lots of onions. Lots 'n lots o' onions.
~ Go for a run in the rain. It makes your run a more dramatic interpretation of your present state of life... and it helps you sweat off the package of Oreos you ate last night.
~ Just say no to drugs hugs. That's probably part of what got you both into this mess in the first place. Don't even think about holding hands during the Our Father either.
~ Give thanks to God for destroying the illusion that Catholic men are perfect... before you had to find out the really hard way, whatever that is.
~ Realize that someone saying "No" to you now is so that you'll be available for the one who was made to say "Yes!" to you later on.
Do you have some fun tips? Add to the list!
*Disclaimer: This post was not written about or for any one particular person. Just a humorous interpretation of my experiences and observations. P.S. I should also probably be clear that this post is written to be completely humorous, I do not hold any hurt or anger about any past rejections! Although, doing many of these things in a more serious fashion really did help me get over being rejected... especially cutting onions and running in the rain... and praying to the saints... and Taylor Swift... and so on. You get the idea.
I was having one of my usual way-too-early-in-the-morning-chats-while-making-our-tea with my co-worker recently, and I somehow ended up bringing up that I am a Girl Scout leader. We have had many conversations about what we do in our not-at-work time, and his response was:
"Wait, so you are a Girl Scout leader and you also work with your church and play softball?! You're so busy!"
I was slightly surprised by his reaction because I've always been involved in a lot of things, and most of my friends have too, so to me, it really doesn't seem like a lot. It did get me thinking though.
My response to him that morning was: "Well, yea, I am involved in all those things, but it really isn't that much..."
... which, for the most part, is true. Most of my activities are maybe a 1-2 hour time commitment on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, so it really doesn't seem too busy to me, most of the time.
After thinking about it though, I realized that a more truthful response would have been more of something like this:
"I try to keep busy 3 or 4 nights a week after work because I have less time to think about how lonely I am. Seeing people at these different things helps me forget for even a couple of hours that I go home and have to be alone. I don't want people to think though that this is my life and I'm too busy for new things, because I would gladly give up any of my busy-ness if a handsome lad wanted to take me out on a date!"
OK, so maybe I wouldn't have actually said all of that, but that is the more accurate answer. I do keep busy because it makes me feel less lonely. At the same time, I'm always afraid that I give off the wrong impression to the lads that I am too busy to have time for them, when really the opposite is true.
So, as this busy gal gets ready to head to bed after an already exhausting week, I turn this over to you.
How do you keep a balance between keeping busy as a single woman (to find companionship, serve others, and keep the loneliness away, among other reasons) and yet still showing men that you are available and open to other kinds of busy-ness (dating and, well, yea, just dating)?
I'd love to hear from the single single ladies, the taken single ladies, the engaged single ladies, the taken by God alone ladies, the married ladies, and even the men! Please chime in! P.S. I really really really want to respond to your comments via email so we can keep up the discussion, so please make sure an email address is tied to your comment profile! Here's how...
I enjoyed reading Julie's post because as a single woman who is not in a relationship, it is very easy for me to forget that single women who are in relationships or engaged also still struggle with things like loneliness. It is a great reminder that we all need to seek Christ as our center, no matter what our current Facebook relationship status is.
~*~
The morning after my future sister’s wedding, my fiance and I attended the family brunch and were asked the question: short or long engagement?
B. said “short” and I said “long” – the listeners laughed.
We’ve been engaged for eight months now; four more months to go. It’s been a struggle intertwined with the joy of deepening our relationship and connections. As B. prepares to apply for residencies, I’m working, planning our wedding and preparing to transition into married life. We’ve made budgets and meshed five year plans. I’ve decided to delay grad school and he’s studied for and taken test after test following each rotation.
And that’s love, we’ve been told – let each struggle bring you closer together and closer to God, they say. But those practicalities are not even the hardest part for us. No, the hardest part of our engagement is that we’re still single people.
We’re long-distance and living with our families. B.’s weekends are usually on call and I try to balance my schedule with his. I’m squirreling away my income so we don’t have to take out anymore loans. We’re preparing to join two lives, two finances, two kinds of dish washing preferences and styles and prayer lives and quirks together into one union.
We’re single and we’re engaged and we’re ready to be married in a very real and literal way. This is our struggle, and there is a profound loneliness no amount of hand holding, night prayers or assurances of love can quench. This is why we both need Christ.
In Song of Solomon, it reads:
Upon my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him, but found him not; I called him, but he gave me no answer. “I will rise ow and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares; I will seek him whom my soul loves.” I sought him, and found him not. The watchmen found me, as they went about the city. “Have you seen him whom my soul loves?” Scarcely has I passed them, when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother’s house… I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the hinds of the field, that you stir not up nor awaken love until it please” (3:1-5).
In these verses, I see my own beloved, and think of our chance meeting; I also see Christ in them. I experienced many heart wrangles before experiencing such human love, and I am of the firmest persuasion that B. and I met when we did because of Christ’s divine love for us.
Many single people desire to marry but do not first seek the peace of Christ first. Too often, God becomes an acquaintance when he should be a wingman.
When you wonder about the mystery of yourself, look to Christ who gives you the meaning of life. When you wonder what it means to be a mature person, look to Christ who is the fullness of humanity. And when you wonder about your role in the future of the world and the of the United States, look to Christ.
In the midst of my engagement, as I pray thanksgiving to God for my intended, I also talk to Christ about our struggles. Even in an engagement, there is a lot of loneliness. There are times we cannot talk, we cannot comfort, and we cannot be with each other. We cannot yet share many the ordinary movements which make up life. Still, this time is not wasted and it is needed. I am glad the Church requires at least six months for the engagement period. I am glad we struggle with temptation instead of trivializing it. I am glad that we can help carry this cross with Christ.
It is in Christ that I first loved B. It is in Christ that I love him and others. It is only in Christ whom I can rest my heart. It is him whom my soul seeks, and one is never truly single when Christ is with you.
Christ, my Lord! Christ, my Savior! Christ, my wingman! Pray for us! Be with us! We’re in it for the long haul.
This post was also written for Ignitum Today, check it out!
Julie and her fiance, B.!
Julie is a 20-something passionate Roman Catholic who blogs at The Corner with a View. You also might have read her writing as one of the Bright Maidens and over at Ignitum Today and Creative Minority Report. In case you missed it, Julie is engaged to be married to B. [why yes, that is his real name ;)] at the end of this year. Julie hails from one of the greatest states ever, which makes her pretty cool.
I love Trista's short and sweet reflection. It's a great reminder to all of us - especially those of us who are single - that we will be restless unless we rest in God alone.
~*~
Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? - Matthew 6:27
For the past few months, I have been worrying a problem to death, mulling it over and over again. Just when I thought I was done - bam! Back in worry mode.
The Lord has been with me every step, though I couldn't always hear him because of all my chattering. He tried to help me come at the problem in a variety of ways, and yet I still allowed myself to get worked up and distressed.
Finally, He got blunt, in a message surely meant for me, but useful for all single ladies and gents.
"Little girl*," He said, "when was the last time I told you to obsessively worry about some future event and how it will happen or how it might not happen?"
"Well, Lord," I sighed, "never."
"Exactly. Come rest in me, and I will give you my strength for what I have called you to do."
If you are obsessively pondering the single state, stop! Take a deep breath. Rest in the Lord. We are called to live in the moment. We are called to do His will, here and now. Let Him take on all our worries and cares. What He calls us to do, we will surely fulfill, if we just rest in Him.
*Please note this is usually how I feel the Lord addresses me and has no derogatory connotation. The Lord's words "Talitha koum" meaning "Little girl, I say to you, arise!" (in Mark 5) always resounds deeply with my soul.
~*~
Trista is a young adult Catholic who blogs at not a minx and is one of the Bright Maidens. She lives in New York, and has a special devotion to St. Joseph and St. Raphael. Some of her most popular posts include handling break-ups - Catholic style! - and her current long-distance relationship with her beau. Trista loves to travel, including all the way to the DC area to meet two other pretty cool Catholic ladies!
I wrote recently about how being single is a choice. No, it's not a choice that I make because it's oh-so-fun, but it's a choice that I make because it's what is good for me. Knowing this though doesn't make being single any easier.
There is so much that I love about being single, and at the same time, there is so much that I hate about it.
Love: having time to myself (introvert alert!); being able to do what I want/need to do any time I want; not having to be bear the responsibility of taking care of anyone else; being able to come home from a long day at work and plop on the couch and watch whatever television show I want to watch (after growing up in a family of six, it's nice not to have to fight over the remote); being able to spend what I earn on the things I want/need; that feeling of independence of being able to take care of myself; being able to hold and cuddle other people's babies while still being able to hand them over to momma when they have a dirty diaper
Hate: having too much time to myself; the intense feelings of loneliness; coming home to a quiet, dark, and usually messy house; being responsible for everything (chores, bills, etc.); waking up from a nightmare and being alone; seeing others living their vocation to the fullest (and mostly happily); not being able to truly care for others like I feel called to do; longing for communion with others on a deeper level
I don't know if you noticed, but many things on the "Love" list are, well... selfish. There's a lot of "I" and "myself" and "what I want" in my list of loves. Yet, I wasn't created to "not have to bear the responsibility of taking care of others" or "watch television whenever I want". I was created for union and communion - which requires an Other.
All of this leads me to the following conclusion:
I am absolutely terrible at being single.
There, I said it! Glad I got that off my chest.
Just like the many stages of grief and healing, knowing and accepting the fact that I am awful at being single is just the first step. It is one thing to say this, but it's an entirely separate thing to actively will this knowledge and make the changes I need to make to stop being absolutely terrible at being single!
I had a mini-revelation during a conversation with someone I had just recently met at a friend's wedding. We were talking about where we'd been in the past year in terms of discovering that "What's next?" phase of post-school life. He was talking about how he didn't really know what he wanted to do, and didn't really have a job, and wasn't sure where he would end up - but that none of this really worried him. He said that all he desired to do was to follow Christ, and so that's what he was doing - and he was confident that if he put following Jesus first, then everything else would fall into place.
It hit me when he said this that even though we were in a similar place in terms of discernment, he was completely further on the path than I was. He got the point of being on the path, while I was still stuck on trying to figure out the reason for it all. I realized that one of the reasons my single life has felt so stagnant is because I am not following Christ as much as I claim to be doing/want to do.
I have to use this time that I've been given to learn how to truly put God first in my life. I realized that I have to live this single vocation to the best of my ability, and until I can learn to be better at being single - and putting God first in my life - whatever God has planned for me won't happen because I won't be ready for it.
As much as being single can be a burden sometimes, I have to see the single years as a gift. At no other time in my life will I be able to say that I have no direct responsibility for the well-being of anyone else. This is actually a good thing, and is part of the purpose of the single years, because not having direct responsibility for others gives me time to grow closer in union and communion with the one Other that really matters - God!
That's what makes these years so crucial for learning how to put God first in my life. If marriage and a family are to come later on my path, I have to be ready to care for others, but I can only truly care for a husband and my children if I am able to love them through my love for God. To do this, I have to care for myself first by truly striving to follow Christ.
Like I said, it's one thing to realize and know all of this, but it's another thing to learn how to be good at being single. So, just as God built us for community, I've asked for a little help from my friends.
Over the next couple of months, I am going to have some amazing Catholic women guest posting on my blog with the theme of "Being Single"!
*Applause applause!*
I will be chiming in on this topic as well, but this series is as much for me as it is for you - we are going to learn from each other's experiences on how to be good at being single.
We'll hear from women who are truly single - like me - and who may be discerning. We'll hear from women (and maybe even a lad!) who are single, but are discerning marriage by being in a committed relationship. We'll even hear from some ladies who have discerned marriage and are engaged.
Even though we are all coming from a different place in life, we will all share the fact that we are all trying to truly live the single vocation that God has called us to at this point in our lives. We will hear what these single ladies do to live out their single vocations, and also hear things that they wish they had done or could do better.
You can follow along with this series by checking in with the Being Single Series tag on my blog. Read each guest's input, reflect on what they say, and join me on the journey of living the single life to the fullest by growing closer to God.
